*leaves social media, covers webcam with tape, installs encryption software, resets passwords, dons tinfoil hat*
Try and spy on me now!
*ad for Reynolds Wrap pops up in my browser*
SON OF A
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I feel bad for all these athletes training for the Olympics in 2016 since we’re all gonna die in 2012
This is the cutest stalk I’ve ever seen. The ear scratching is just the best 😂
I just pulled a muscle tearing up my gym membership card.
The best thing about coming from a big family is being able to talk louder than normal people.
Pro tip:
Don’t go to knife fights. Then you never have to worry about what to bring.
“My middle name is War-and-Peace.”
“What?”
“It’s a long story.”
Women and electronics aren’t very similar until they both freak out on you for throwing water on them while they’re in “sleep mode”.
Me: Ugh, no more wine! My face looks puffy!
Me, 20 minutes later: *sips a glass of wine while wearing gel face mask*
People often ask me how I afford to live a lavish lifestyle while spending most of my day on Twitter. Here are a few tips.
1. Wake up early every morning
2. Build a work routine
3. Learn to delegate responsibility
4. Inherit a lot of money from parents
5. Sleep at time
*Santa’s Google search*
cheap labor
cheap labor not kids
magic cheap labor
elf for sale bulk
labor laws by country
north pole group travel
Damn, I just realized that my employees do their jobs in order to get paid, and not out of any sense of family or loyalty to the company. Has anyone else heard of this phenomenon??
My toxic trait is my personality or so I’ve been told.
I’m starting to regret my “2015 FOREVER” tattoo.
Were PacMan and Ms.PacMan married or brother and sister? Have some fanfic that’s either really awesome or really disturbing riding on this.
*getting caught filling up neighbor’s trash can*
Omg Karen, I just looove your trash can! Where did you get it?
[dog paws your leg when you stop stroking his head]
1st time: “aww cuuuute”
2nd time: “ha okay”
3rd time: “i am trapped in a nightmare”
#FF @funTweeters. They’re the crazies, I tell ya! #humor
Me: How do you guys want your steaks cooked?
Kids: Cook them so they taste like chicken nuggets.
*gets called a psychopath
*googles “What’s the average IQ of a psychopath?”AWWW, HE THINKS I’M REALLY SMART.
The dinosaurs didnt “rule the earth” they were just alive stop giving them credit for administrative skills they almost certainly didnt have
With one icy glare from Wilma, Fred knew. It was not going to be a yabba dabba doo time. It was, in fact, a yabba dabba don’t time.
There’s no easy way to steal a watermelon.
A simple turtleneck can hide all manner of candy necklaces.
Santa Clause slides down the chimney of his cabin. He turns to Mrs. Clause
“The hell is that?”
I had a door installed
“The hell is a door?”
I’m at the point in life where if a girl dresses up in a french maid outfit I’d be more happy if she actually just cleaned my house for me..
I just read that if you’re 200 pounds on Earth, you’re 76 pounds on Mars.
I’m not fat, I’m on the wrong planet.
Husband: [turns car on, explicit 90s hip-hop blares] Wow, this is what you listen to with the kids?
Me: No, I put it on after I drop them off [changes stations]
6YO: Hey! Go back that’s my favorite!
This is I, Robot all over again
Whenever someone tells me they have an IQ of 140, I wonder if that’s Fahrenheit or centigrade.
I made a list of the top 10 most popular wordplay jokes, to see if any of them actually made me laugh.
No pun in ten did.