Me: *on phone booking place on commercial space flight* “Yeah just a one-way ticket, please… You don’t? Uhhh so okay make it a return but can you drop me off on the moon or something? … Hello? Hello-o???”
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Listen. You’ve been saying this for the last eight and a half months. I still don’t know what you’re “expecting”
doctors don’t really need to hit you with that rubber hammer it’s just how they release a lil tension through the day
The only thing more predictable than the conspiracy theories is some people’s inability to distinguish Indonesia from Malaysia. #AirAsia
A new day and another chance to turn it all around. [sitcom laughter]
[audition for a vampire tv show]
ME: as u can see in my headshots, i’m a vampire
CASTING DIRECTOR: theres no one in these photos
ME: exactly
Taking spiders outside to “help” them, buddy this is their house you weren’t born here
5: I love you so much
Me: I love you too, are you done acting naughty?
5: nope
Satan: you can spend eternity in hell OR you can go to work for the first time in 5 days.
Me: hmmm
Satan: well?
Me: IM THINKING, DAMN IT
Found out I can become an IT pro in as little as 1 month with no experience & now I know where my company gets their IT pros.
Went to my niece’s elementary school field day last week.
I won every single event.
Every. Single. Event.
DIE HARD (1988)
Rated R, 2 hrs. 12 min.
The dead guy from The Sixth Sense throws Snape out of a window. Merry Christmas!
A hippo’s favourite desert is hippopota-mousse.
#MousseDay #RubbishJokes
それは草
Answer every question with “Yes, but is it deep-fried?”
All units be on the lookout, suspect is armed with hunky shoulders, soft eyes and dreamboat hair. I don’t even remember what he did anymore.
Pigeon: the distance a pig travels in one eon
ME: *doing crossword* What’s another word for upside-down?
WIFE: Inverted?
ME: No, in English Sharon.
A woman at my gym tonight told me my kids look just like me because they inherited my “small face.” Can somebody help me out, because I just really need to know if I should be offended.
I cough whenever I answer the phone so people know not to invite me to anything.
my psychiatrist told me i seem like i do improv and i literally don’t even know how to take that
the sweet sweet relief I felt at logging on and seeing 30-50 feral hogs
me: is there anything i can do about my dry skin
dermatologist: aloe
me: hi is there anything i can do about my dry skin
Me: gets up, wakes kids, empties dishwasher, makes lunches, helps make kid beds, does kids’ hair, makes breakfast for everyone, showers, makes coffee, does laundry
Hubs:
Coworker: I ran 5 miles at the gym this morning
Me: Why
In hell, it’s always the last minute of a staff meeting and someone raises his hand for “one more quick question.”
I call a spade a “spade.”
I also call a horse a “horse” and a pencil a “pencil.”
When it comes to calling things by their names, I am no one to be trifled with.
My wife complains that I never open the car door for her, but when I do she’s all, “Stop it, you’re driving too fast! We’re on a bridge!”
Him: …and I asked you out because you’re smart and pret-WHY ARE YOU POKING ME WITH A STICK?
Me: To see if you’re real or if I’m just high
One time I was really high and attempted to flush my foot down the toilet. There was no Twitter then, so I’m telling you now.
Indiana Jones: I present the Ark of the Covenant, sacred crypt of the Ten Commandments.
Rick from Pawn Stars: I’ll give you 25 bucks.