“IF THE EASTER BUNNY HAD TIME TO HIDE ALL THESE EGGS AROUND THE HOUSE, IT SURE AS HELL HAD TIME TO DO A COUPLE OF LOADS OF LAUNDRY”
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We’re throwing a surprise retirement party for a guy at the office and the “party” isn’t the surprise.
Judge: And that’s how we’re determining who gets the kids in the divorce.
Edward Scissorhands: *nodding*
Kim Paperhands: No.
I’m developing an app that makes a cricket sound effect at the end of my coworkers’ stories.
employer: if you’re sick don’t come to work so you don’t spread the germs!
employee: i’m sick
employer: how sick?
This won’t work unless you stop asking questions about why I brought a smoked turkey leg to bed.
The label on the pack of the supplements I just bought says “Keep in a dark place”, so I stored it in my memories.
Amazon will acquire Roomba and there’s nothing scary about Alexa on wheels.
My sensitive skin moisturizer is sulking again
Man: I’d like to buy a fur coat please
Clerk: Sorry sir, this is a pet store
Man: I’d like to buy 200 gerbils please
*Date with a boy I dated when we went to kindergarden*
*puts two big bowls of worms and mudwater on the table*
Him-YUCK!!!
Me-You’ve changed
There’s no “I” in meat, but there’s “me” and “eat”, and I don’t know how vegans can argue with that logic.
We shouldn’t send our trash into space, that’s how you get space raccoons
I will not kill my coworkers
I will not kill my coworkers
I will not….Maybe just one…
Noah was an idiot.
I’ve spent 8 hours cleaning my house!! Keep in mind that this is over a period of 25 years, but still.
Sometimes I hide condiments from my husband by moving them 3 inches to the left.
Ate a moldy blueberry.
Thought of you.
4-year-old: What’s that?
Me: A vegetable you won’t like. If you don’t tell Mom, I’ll take it from you.
*eats her bacon*
Her: Have you sold anything since you became a writer?
Me *stares around my empty house* everything
If I ever run out of food, I can survive for 3 or 4 days on the stuff stuck to the walls of my microwave.
me: yeah, i’m into fitness…fitness this whole pizza in my mouth.
executioner: did you plan your last meal around this?
You look busy, I’m just gonna interrupt you anyways
– People who apparently want to go missing
If we’re sharing dessert at a restaurant and you’re eating it at a quicker rate than me, I will kill you.
Did you know when someone annoys you it takes 42 muscles to frown but only 4 to extend your arm and punch them in the face.
i’m angry no one’s ever pranked me by having 10 pizzas delivered that i didn’t order
DR DOG: The test results came back.
PATIENT: Oh God
DR DOG: The tumor is–
*sees a squirrel out the window and takes off*
My therapist encouraged me to stop bending over backwards for people. But just between us, I really miss yoga.
[after robots take over]
*drones crash into my kitchen*
ME: [mouthful of ham] whobithrayed me?
*fridge starts laughing*
BUT U WERE MY FABRIT
I can usually tell how productive I’ve been at work, by the battery life of my phone.
me, holding a banana pretending to talk on the phone: haha it’s for you
daughter: no I have my own banana
me: haha I know but its like a phone
daughter: how