I follow mattress delivery trucks around all day, because I like the smell of freshly braked bed.
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May my enemies all have to walk several miles in wet jeans
Of course I support real issues.
I donate hundreds of dollars to the Girl Scouts every year for the ‘No Cookie Left Uneaten’, movement
No, of course I’m not mad.
It’s fine.
*goes home, starts building a Death Star.
Mother Paper Bag: We need to talk.
Teen Bag: *removes earbud* What?
M: Your father was plastic.
T: But –
M: It’s true. You’re a mixed bag.
friend: wish you were here!
me, abruptly stopping whatever I’m doing and captaining a speedboat approaching your house: oh really
BEACH BOYS: 🎶 Wouldn’t it be nice if we were older?
M. NIGHT SHYAMALAN: 🤔
I’ve often wondered whether baby deer are left or right handed. Turns out they’re bambidextrous.
I sharpened all my kitchen knives today. Now I can’t help but slice everything as if I’m in an infomercial.
[1776]
America: We want the British out[1931]
Australia: We want the British out[1947]
India: We want the British out[2020]
Britain: We want the British out
[something bad happens to me and I disappear]
Police: we are offering a $1.42 reward for anyone with information
Answer my phone? No thanks.
I’ve seen what happens to Liam Neeson.
It’s important to get out of the house every once in a while to get excited about going home.
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: writing a Hogwarts letter for when our daughter turns 11.
Wife: but she’s only 3.
Me: I need the extra time.
Wife: why?
Me: to catch and train the owl.
If you are looking for a relationship without all the baggage I suggest a layover.
Dissecting someone who’s really cute is an awwwtopsy.
Girl math is buying 3L of wine because you’ll need to deglaze one pan.
Remember when you were watching zombie movies and you thought wow, there’s no way real people could be this stupid?
Hung my Christmas lights on the house across the street so I can see them.
I wanted to hear the pitter-patter of little feet so now my cats wear tap shoes.
I’m gaining weight because it’s hard to carry around this much “awesome” in a standard-sized body.
Me: Oh God help I’ve been stabbed in the tummy
911: how old are you?
Me: 38
911: omg
Me: what
911: 38
Me: what
911: tummy
Me: just send help
911: ok tummy sending you an amby wamby
Humans shouldn’t come to Mars.
Mars has enough problems already.
there is asparagus
in my hairagusand I don’t
caragus
*barber hands me the mirror to check the back*
“Looks good!” I lie, after a few seconds of being unable to get the mirror to angle properly
Her: Hi, I’m Cindi with two “i’s”
Cyclops: Wow
Imagine how much more useful Superman would’ve been if he’d helped people move their heavy furniture instead.
Confusing my grandchildren by filling the Easter eggs with chicken nuggets
I never know what to say now when someone asks what I want for xmas: the ability to sleep past 6am, Xanax, some cheese?
Are we there yet?…