Tampon boxes should come with a “It’s not safe to walk around naked with a tampon string hanging out if you own a cat.” warning.
You Might Also Like
Me: the enemy of my enemy is my friend
Enemy of my enemy: no, i don’t like you either
A good Scotch should taste like how a haunted 17th century wardrobe smells.
my favorite thing about Sesame Street is that everyone’s more concerned about Oscar being a grouch than the fact a vampire lives there
ME: [sitting in kitchen writing out bills]
SON: I lost a tooth. I’m gonna leave it under my pillow tonight.
ME: I’d wait until next week.
This Election is the most math I’ve done in a long time.
People who try to beat you when walking into a store. No.
Find someone who shares your values & dreams- but likes a different kind of dipping sauce for chicken strips so you don’t have to share that
Me, 87 times before falling asleep: want to go outside???
Dog: meh
Me *falls asleep*
Dog: hey stupid wake up I need to go out
Come back after dark. Bring your friends
[yelling over club music] has anyone seen my tamagotchi
bring me a higher love. you have 24 hours. no cops.
ME: I propose teaching pandas to play pattycake bec-
ZOOKEEPER: How do you keep getting in here?
ZOO OFFICIAL: Wait. Let’s hear him out.
In 8th grade I had to take care of an egg to teach me responsibility. That egg hatched, and I raised the chicken as my own. He was delicious
それは草
me: your honor, the defense rests.
judge: well they picked a pretty stupid time to take a nap i mean they’re on trial for murder.
Wife: We don’t have anything planned today…
Me: Cool!
Wife: …so I was thinking we should…
Me: (dammit)
Him: Hey, we haven’t spoken in months!
Me *grabs his face* and now you’ve ruined it
Just a thought. Why do trees get naked come Fall? They’re so careless too, just leaving their clothes everywhere
mortgage broker: You’ll need proof of stable income.
me: no problem
broker: Where are you currently employed?
me: Spirit Halloween
I just want to be half as productive as my mom thinks she would be if she was me.
[First date]
Date: I’m looking for a guy who’s above average.
Me: [Trying to be above average] I’ve eaten 17 spiders this year
Buying a girl drinks at the bar is played out. You gotta send a pizza & a basket of wings to her table
Not too drunk to do the project but too drunk to drive to Home Depot. So you see my dilemma.
Everyone says to marry your best friend but her husband gets all pissed off whenever I suggest it.
The sacred dance of avoiding eye contact with people you know in the grocery store.
*gets stabbed and looted by mugger*
me: “oh yeah just leave like everyone else does”
Maybe the Earth really is flat and we’re just on one of God’s refrigerator magnets.
The brat next door is outside banging on a metal bucket in his front yard …..guess it’s about that time to go mow my gravel driveway.
*partner holding up finger and thumb almost touching*
Her: I am THIS close to snapping. Be warned.
Me: *gently* Aw honey they have to actually touch if you want to snap them!
*general murder sounds*
If Yoga is hot and out of breath, what does Yoga do?
Yoga pants.