[dog bites my arm off]
owner: lol don’t worry he’s just playing
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If I lived in Alabama, I’d name my daughter, ‘Banjo-lina”.
You guys, this guy on Dateline says I shouldn’t make friends with people on the internet because they might not be who they say they are. Is this true?
Her: I have butterflies in my stomach
Me (trying to impress): My skull is full of wasps
[divorce court]
her: he was unfaithful
him: thats a lie!
judge: do you have proof?
her: his Netflix said he watched episodes without me
him: judge, thats not being unfa-
judge: shut your cheating mouth!
GIRLFRIEND: So tell me something I don’t already know about you.
ME: During October I call my Dyson ‘Count Vacula’
HER: I need to see other people.
Started sex work and one of my clients came to my house, she complained that it’s too hot. She asked “don’t you have AC?”
I said no… OnlyFans
nurse: name?
me: david
nurse: age?
me: 35
nurse: sex?
me: almost once
2020 is the worst Choose Your Own Adventure book ever
Me: In high school I was voted most likely to cut my own bangs with safety scissors.
Interviewer: I meant any professional achievements.
I argue with myself in public so no one talks to me.
I hate it when I’m in a rage and suddenly remember I’m not wealthy so I can’t hurl expensive bone china into the fireplace.
Handing out plastic easter eggs filled with baked beans for halloween this year.
As my mother-in-law and I fight to the death for her son’s love, I sometimes think to myself, “This may be the worst prize ever.”
thinking about parking in a garage downtown just to get some validation
Genie: You have three wishes.
Me: First, I would like a time machine.
*travels back in time a few minutes now owning a time machine*
Genie: You have three wishes.
PERSONAL TRAINER: so how much do you bench?
ME: a fair bit but I usually bed or sofa.
A robin just had chicks in a nest above our garage. Today, her babies were chirping and she just sat on them, and I’m wondering if I can use this method when my kids keep asking for snacks.
Whenever I have to fix a hole in any wall I always hide a realistically drawn but totally fake treasure map in there first.
Me: I’ve reached the point of no return.
Librarian: Nice try, pal.
I saved my Q tip so I could ask my husband if my earwax looked normal when he woke up. This is marriage.
I wanna party with whoever decided to ditch their shitstreaked underwear in the bushes at the McDonald’s drive thru.
When people ask me if I’m working hard or hardly working, I wanna punch them in the face and ask if they’re hurting hard or hardly hurting.
Don’t listen to the haters, all mushrooms are edible.
Some only once.
If corporations are people then that’s really gross because we walk inside of them all the time.
Therapist: OK, lie on the couch for me.
Woman: I’m a penguin.
Therapist: No, I meant lie down.
Someone once told me that women are like books, and they were right: they have names and spines, and there’s some in the library.
Shout out to Pringles for admitting they’re addictive, unlike cigarettes and heroin the two biggest liars of the snack industry.
wife: it looks too tight
me: it’s fine, let’s just go
[ten minutes later paramedics have to cut my turtleneck off after I pass out]
Jello shots because who doesn’t like adding a lot of work and time to taking a shot…
[moon landing]
ME: the beagle has landed
HOUSTON: you mean eagle?
ME: (holding the puppy I snuck onboard) nope