[Dentist chair]
Him: Lie back and open wide
Me: At least buy me dinner first
Him: *sigh* Please don’t tweet this
Me: *typing* Too late
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Opening a package of cheese within 2 miles of my dog is the plot to A Quiet Place 2
When you’re friend recommends a guy who can fix it for less
The guy:
To graduate DJ school you have to pass your vinyls.
Literally any podcast host asking their guest a question
I don’t usually talk to strangers but when I do its because I’m at the zoo and someone called a tortoise a turtle.
When I was a child, 49 seemed like such an ancient, faraway age, where people would probably totter about aimlessly and confused, forgetting everything, with parts of their decrepit body falling off. Now I actually am 49, I realise I was absolutely spot on.
[Trying to find space in a parking lot]
Astronaut: We are severely off course
My brain knows that there’s a guy doing work on my roof today, but my nervous system keeps acting like the house is under attack.
I like to split up my kid’s orange so he can refuse to eat half at lunch and refuse to eat the other half at snack
I like putting my socks on the hot dog spinner at 7-Eleven so they get toasty warm and so that I attract dogs towards me all day long
“You can’t get married,” the priest furiously shut the door while I stood outside embracing my fiancé, a beautiful corndog with a ring on it
Do you ever eat a mint and then take a sip of cold water and it hurts your teeth and then all your teeth fall out and they form a pentagram on the floor and the lights shut off and your ears start ringing and the ringing turns into an explosive roar
Cat: [coughing up a hairball]
French tutor: very good
Pretty sure it’s easier to break a person out of a maximum security prison than break a Barbie doll out of its package.
I hate camping with my English teacher friend because he insists we only use the perfect tents.
99% of the time I have zero understanding of how people are using “iykyk”. “Eating some ice cream iykyk.” Well I certainly thought I knew about ice cream. I thought *everybody* knew about ice cream
Idea: shants. Pants for when you don’t want to wear pants. It’s still very much in the concept phase, ok?
shampoo implies shampee
My husband says I’m addicted to spending money on pointless things. So I bought him a Llama to cheer him up.
“Due to the economy, we are going to have to let one of you go.” – Me to my children.
We need to put an end to all these motion activated Halloween props displayed in the stores. I prefer to do all my leaping and high pitched fear shrieking at home.
interviewer: what are your strengths?
me: I know where you live
A man at a cemetery for Titanic victims claims to have taken a photo of a ghost. The ghost reportedly said “there was room for two people.”
[Trying to hire a hitman]
“Yes, I’d like to buy one murder please.”
Ever worry that spiders have 8 slippers to slap you with?
Parenting’s First Law of Physics:
An object in motion ends up resting on the floor until there’s an argument over who should pick it up.
me: i’d sell my soul for clear skin.
dermatologist: drink more water.
me: [glaring] i SAID i’d sell my SOUL for clear skin
My dog and I both lose our minds when the doorbell rings but for totally opposite reasons……….I don’t want company
With Girls Gone Wild bankrupt wild girls no longer have a home. Many of them will be put down. Please. Adopt a wild girl. Before she’s gone.
[after explaining speed limit signs]
5: I like how you’re creative with speed limits