It’s a gaggle of geese, a murder of crows, a pod of whales and a thrift store of hipsters.
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TEACHER: what do you want to be when you grow up
ME: vindicated
The girl in front of me googled “med school GPA” and then immediately after googled “what can I do with a biology degree”.
I have witnessed someone face reality.
There are days & nights where I’m surrounded by profound Darkness, followed by a realisation that I need to stop wearing shades in my house.
7: what kind of ice cream is this? *Takes a bite*
Me: French Vanilla
7: mmm, you can really taste the Frenches
What idiot called it a pharmacy and not a “coughy shop”
When my kid has a friend over and he starts talking to me, I’m like, “No. This is the opposite of why I let you come here.”
Where there’s a pill, there’s a yay.
Friends don’t tell friends 1980 was 40 years ago.
Took a bunch of ibuprofen to keep my tweets from being too inflammatory
Wife: cuddle?
Me: ok
Wife: I mean with me
Me: *with my teddy bear* right
Oh men definitely want to strangle me, just not in a sexy way.
ME: [knocks on ambulance window]
PARAMEDIC: Can I help you?
ME: Are you carrying a patient?
PARAMEDIC: Not at the moment.
ME: Mind if I nap on the stretcher?
I’ll only go to your NYE party if I can bring a -1.
Like, I show up, pick a person, and then they have to go home.
Say what you will about the Grinch, but having garlic in your soul and living alone with a dog sounds pretty damn great to me.
If one more teenager uses the term ‘Back in the day’…I swear I’m gonna smack them with a floppy disk and choke them with my legwarmers.
I’m not saying your dumb. I’m saying you’re dumb.
Whenever there’s a bee trapped inside my house, I always open all the doors and windows so all the other bees can join it and it doesn’t die alone.
Remember when the internet didn’t exist and we kept all this stupidness in our heads?
Good times.
I read that peacocks “are obsessed with food and can become extremely aggressive when you dangle french fries in front of them”.
See you all later. I’m moving in with my new family now.
I’d be so pissed if my coworker left for American Idol and I had to cover for them plus act happy.
I bet The Ring really made it hard for dead people that want to crawl out of your tv for friendly reasons.
My resume says, “GIMME A JOB,” I’ve had four recruiters reach out and tell me to stop watching career TikTok for advice.
A dating app for people who self sabotage called Hinder.
My cat looks at me like “I would have been a god in ancient Egypt, I’ll have you know”.
You know you’ve ordered too much take-out when they give you three sets of plastic utensils.
My 5-year-old refused to eat her dinner because Netflix was running slow.
At least she picked a worthy cause for her hunger strike.
“I have a coupon for a large 2 topping”
“What toppings?”
“Pepperoni & a small cheese pizza”
“Sir you can’t top a pizza with a smaller pizza”
I’ll be signing books at Barnes & Noble from 6 p.m. to whenever they kick me out for ruining all their books.
i don’t want to get up. i want to stay in bed until the day my grandson wins tickets to a chocolate factory
My dog gets up faster than I do when the microwave starts beeping.