There is a piece of aluminum foil blowing across the road and all I can think is that one of you is without your protective headgear today.
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absolutely crushed dolphin wordle
If I did one of those wine and paint nights the instructor would be like wow look at you, you are really good at wine.
So I met this hooker who said she’d do anything for ten bucks .
Guess who got his yard cut?
[throws salad into a garden]
Go home boy…you’re free now.
The real slim shady: [sitting in a bean bag] oh no
I’m a people pleaser, unless you don’t like that. Then I’m not.
Imagine my surprise at the school Thanksgiving “costume” party, when I showed up as Poison Ivy and everyone else was dressed as pilgrims.
I need to get some bricks…
Very important new poster I stuck up in town today. This is my first step towards becoming a great businessman
ME [being stabbed by a stingray]: This pancake seems angry.
5 made a window cling, and it’s the most corrupt Sun I’ve ever seen.
friend: our baby was a surprise
me: *aware that pregnancy lasts for nine months* … how
When my dog poops in the yard, no one cares. When I do it, I’m “drunk” and “bringing down property values” and my neighbor is “calling the cops”
Husband: How much did you spend on those new boots?
Me: *turns on the blender* What?
Husband: I said…
Me: *turns on the vacuum* Sorry, can’t hear you!
Last night, I spent 15 minutes at a party waiting for a man to move closer to a woman he was hitting on so I could reach behind him for Fritos
Parenting Hack: slide a little cash your kid’s teacher’s way, & all of his crafts projects will “mysteriously” disappear after being graded.
Mrs. Potato Head: OH MY GOD!
Mr. Potato Head: What?
Mrs. PH: Your browser history.
Mr. PH: I can explain!
Mrs. PH: TATER TOTS YOU PERVERT?!?
Is it the 5 second rule or the 10 second rule?
Well, either way, I wouldn’t worry too much about any germs. Here’s your baby back.
[dentist giving me a filling]
Me: guh uh hag a hogreg?
Dentist stops: what?
Me: do you have a boyfriend?
The best thing about being an accountant is that everyone assumes you’re not a psychopath.
Sir. Your burrito is $5.97. With guacamole, your total comes to $386,932.32
Me: guess who i saw today?
Batman: who?
M: not your parents
B: Y do you always do this?
M: cause they told me to
B: who?
M: not your parents
CAVEMAN: I got a Masters in History
CAVEMAN 2: Nice! How long did that take?
CAVEMAN: Nearly half an hour
The so called genius at the Apple Store mentioned he has a girlfriend; thus, his geek credibility is compromised & I don’t trust his advice.
83 yo man, “You speak pretty good English for a Chinese girl”. Me: “I’m caucasian”. Him, “Well, any kind of Asian looks Chinese to me”.
7 brought me breakfast in bed, which in theory was super sweet, except in reality it was a poptart at 4am.
I used to wonder how anybody could possibly drop a cell phone in the toilet. Used to.
Fight Club, but instead of blowing up all the financial institutions, they reset all twitter follower counts back to zero.