Everybody’s big on freedom until they find you passed out naked on their boat
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When you open your heart to someone, there is blood. Lots and lots of blood. And then you die. So don’t open your heart.
GF: I’m sick of you pretending you’re a detective. We should split up
ME: Good idea. We can cover more ground that way.
The Never Ending Story should’ve been a movie about a phone call from my Mother
Me: I don’t think I fit into some box with a label on it.
Serial Killer: *looking disappointed* Are you sure?
How do I rate our solar system?
One star
No Brett, I didn’t even read that email. I’m not speaking to you because I overheard your Starbucks order this morning.
“hottie with a body” implies the existence of “hottie without a body”……how do i become HER
[2000]
Satan: I need a new idea on how to mess with people
Henchman 1: New STD?
S: No
H2: Incurable virus?
S: No
H3: A cameraphone
S: Nice
Friend: congrats on the engagement! Do you have a date?
Me: I was just gonna bring my fiancée
I cry when I cut my carrots because I don’t want my onions to feel awkward.
My favorite thing right now is calling air pods ‘air buds’ in front of my daughter and her friends.
the dog is mad at me bc i wouldn’t let him eat sriracha off the ground and my feelings are hurt so no i don’t want children.
ME: I lied in my interview.
BOSS: what was the lie?
ME: all lies. except about my aunt.
BOSS: she wants to party with me?
ME: big time.
I’m starting to think the guy offering to check for lumps inside his van was not as legit as his cardboard certificate claimed.
rise and shine we got egg
by this time next year, Ariana Grande’s eyelashes will be so long that male peacocks will challenge her for dominance
you knew the backstreet boys were actually friends because when the one boy asks if hes “sexual” the rest of the boys all agree that he is
[crime scene]
BATMAN: Who the hell are you?
MANBAT: Who the hell are YOU?
BATMAN: I’m Batman. A man who dresses like a bat.
MANBAT: I’m Manbat. A bat who dresses like a man.
[BATBAT arrives]
BATBAT: Who the hell are you two?
The next time my middle schooler refuses to acknowledge me in public, I’m giving him a big hug and asking him when his last bowel movement was.
I passed a library which is strange because I don’t remember eating any libraries.
My favorite thing about people singing happy birthday in a restaurant is when they stop.
Motion to replace the Supreme Court with a Burrito Supreme
Presents open. Now to watch my children watch other children play with the toys I bought them on YouTube.
“Do you believe in past lives?”
I don’t even believe in the life I’m currently living.
Y’all ever rage clean your kids’ toys so hard that whoever goes to Goodwill next week is going to hit the Jackpot?
we’re insta mutuals now 😌😌😌
I don’t care how hardcore you are. If you don’t cry when Dumbo visits his mommy in elephant jail, you have no soul.
Bro. His friends dared him to go touch your shoe
Me: Everyone! We’re having a baby!!
Them: What is it?
Me: I literally. Just. Said.
1993: thrown from bike headfirst, rides 12 more miles and doesn’t head home till dark
2022: owww, I think I sprained my hand turning on my turn signal