Thinking of opening a new deli in India but I have no idea what to call it.
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me: sorry I have to go my, uh, cat is texting me
date: omg just tell me you’re not interested
cat still texting: THE GOOD LITTER HAVE I MADE MYSELF CLEAR
Oh I don’t know. I woke up 2 hours early to get some laundry done. How do you THINK IT’S GOING?
The transplant surgeon was almost at the hospital when he realized that home was where the heart was.
a whale can launch it’s entire body out of the ocean and you have trouble getting out of bed in the morning
“Susan cancel my 2 o’clock”
Both hands stuck in Pringles cans again? Here let me help
“no no no I need to learn to do this on my own”
Sometimes I think about Adam and Eve and how they couldn’t even get a babysitter.
People often talk about having the devil on one shoulder and an angel on the other. For me it’s more like Spock and Homer Simpson.
Genie: You get one wish.
Me: I wish I had more twitter followers.
Genie: Done. *vanishes*
*Checks phone*
Genie is now following you.
“these Kate Middleton pics will silence internet critics” I don’t think u understand how badly you’ve fucked this. there are now people on the internet who could SHAKE HER HAND and still claim she’s four cats in a wig
i used to think i was final girl material, but i’m actually the one who’s killed while frantically searching for her glasses
same bro
I don’t feel like a zombie…better eat someone to make sure.
Genie: If you say another word, your going to die.
Me: ʸᵒᵘ’ʳᵉ
An ATM has surveillance footage of me feeding it Kraft Singles, so there’s that.
Me: It’s time to lose my quarantine 15.
Girl Scouts: Hold my cookies.
You can’t fix stupid but you can fantasize about slapping the shit out of it.
I’m a female historian who specializes in war atrocities, check out my blog “The War Atrocity Babe”
Me: *giggling* no, I love you more.
Him: who are you and how did you get inside my house?
son: dad, can you spell upside down?
dad: yes but it does make me dizzy
You ever take a nap so good that you thought you missed the school bus. But it’s Sunday…and you’re 32.
starting a garage orchestra
[office]
DAVE: We’re having a baby
SUE: Congratulations!
ME: [suspicious that Dave is a seahorse] Looking forward to the birth, Dave?
Twitter’s fun because everyone’s really cynical and snide about everything except *checks hand* … wrestling? that can’t be right
Cats don’t have owners, cats take people hostage in order to feed them …
I don’t consider myself a controlling person.
Side note: Anyone else have a list of people your spouse can’t marry if you die?
[police station]
“sir you get one phone call.”
[calls 911]
“hello 911 what’s your emergency?”
yeah a bunch of pricks are holding me hostage.
[interrogation]
COP: So you play the tuba do ya?
“No, the violin”
COP: Treble maker eh?
TALL GUY: 6 feet, 4 inches.
ME: Wow! I only have two feet, but they’re regular sized.
Before saying anything like “you have really soft hands for a man”, just be like so goddamned sure they’re a man.