i don’t like little dogs. i draw the line at ever having to say “we’ll go outside later, Brutus. there’s an owl out there.”
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Therapist: Do you know what your problem is?
Me: Would I be here if I did? Did you really go to school for this shit?
I’m starting to think some of you are actually on Facebook.
You know we just joke about being Facebook right?
A little about me: I’m a beekeeper. I see a bee, I keep it. I don’t care whose bee it is. Should have been watching it better.
“Florida is insane.” Bro, we ain’t even trying right now. Imagine how powerful we would be if we all had dental insurance.
Me: We need to rewatch the movie we had on last night because I fell asleep.
Family: Puts on last night’s movie.
Me: Falls asleep.
Confession: I have dipped cheese into softer cheese.
It’s not easy sitting around all day doing nothing. It’s hard to know whether or not you’re done.
Cancelling plans is okay. Putting yourself first is okay. Going into the forest and abandoning society is okay. Befriending a pack of wolves and assimilating into their wolf pack is okay. Howling at the moon is okay. Do what you need to do to cope.
“Man, for some reason I’m not hungry at all today”
“It was a full moon last night – we ate a bunch of villagers”
“Ah shit, I forgot. More like unaware wolf, amirite?”
were your parents the last ones to pick you up from school or are you normal
Dogs should be allowed to drive.
Shortly after firing up my Toro Power Sweep, I begin thinking of myself as a “leaf herder” and realize I need to get out more often.
some stupid little amoeba decided to leave the ocean a billion years ago and now i have to worry that tomorrow is monday
Who called it cryptocurrency instead of “Bits Betta Have My Money”?
“I love this song!”
“This is my favorite song!”
“I love this song!”
“No, THIS is my favorite song!”
~ Me, listening to my own playlist
This is no longer an app but a mishapp
To keep yourself healthy you should get 8 hours of sleep a day.
To keep the planet healthy you should get 24.
reasons my cat is yowling:
-she doesn’t want the food in her bowl
-she wants to be picked up
-she wants to be put back down
-she wants to play
-she doesn’t want her toys touched
-the mantelpiece is not high enough
-it’s raining
-the universe is large & she is its queen
When someone blows a kiss at me I karate chop it right in half.
I keep a set of 5 airtight canisters on my kitchen counter:
Flour, sugar, coffee, tea, rage.
Imagine how difficult it would be if you had two colleagues, one called Ian and one called Iain, but Iain only had one eye.
Husband trained 5 well. Every time we have rain, she stands at the window with her hands on her hips and says, “we really needed this.”
me: I made a model of the himalayas
friend: did you build them to scale?
me: no, just to look at
friend: what
SOLDIER DYING IN MY ARMS: tell everyone of my bravery
[me 3 months later]
I think he had a brewery
It’s 1:28 AM. You can’t sleep. Underneath your bed there’s a rustle as the clown tries to quietly unwrap and eat a Snickers bar.
Winner of unnecessarily terrifying headline of the year announced:
My bank, who passed all 14 interest rate rises onto my home loan account, but only half of them onto my savings account, just sent me some tips on how to identify financial scammers
[dog park]
Dog: omg I just found out I’m adopted
Other Dogs: [barking in shock]
My job sucks but it pays the bills.
Too bad I can’t say the same things about my boyfriend.
9y/o: *digging a hole in the backyard* I buried this box, with some coins in it, a few days ago. But as soon as I did I just couldn’t stop worrying about it. I don’t know how pirates do it.