People are out here fighting over Walmart and Target. Meanwhile, I haven’t stepped a foot in either of these stores for eleven years because of the same people who will fight over and in a Walmart and Target.
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I know this is only our second date, Susan, and maybe I’m moving too fast, but I’d like permission to rename your cat.
My husband bought me a holiday throw pillow after complaining that we have too many throw pillows. He said “Holiday pillows don’t count because they’re temporary.”
I don’t think he understands the floodgate he just opened.
“you changed” bro i was 15
Polite kitties have good etiquecat
Good Cop: why is your baby crying
Mom: he just won’t take a nap
Pun Cop: looks like he’s
Good Cop: if u say resisting a rest i swear to god
I just wanna be alone but I have all this internet access.
Babies who need to wear glasses creep me out. it’s like they are trying to act smarter than me or something, I don’t like it
Yeah, but I thought the whole point of twitter was to be stalked.
The word ‘follower’ should be evidence of that
How dare you incinerate that I don’t know big words.
Want to annoy the man in your life? Pronounce MMA “mama”.
“A user interface is like a joke. If you have to explain it, it’s not a that good.”#usability #uxdesign #iOSdev
DR. FRANKENSTEIN: I’m just saying, it’s a very misleading flyer
BODY BUILDING COMPETITION JUDGE: again, we can only apologise
{If autocorrect was a person}
ME: I think that’s right.
AUTOCORRECT: It’s not.
ME: Then what is it?
AUTOCORRECT: I don’t know, dude. Aubergine?
ME: You think I meant aubergine?
AUTOCORRECT: Look, I know literally all of the words, and that was none of them. Maybe this is on you.
Give a man a catfish and he’ll eat for a day. Teach a man to catfish and he can have Internet boyfriends in 7 different countries.
I have the same effect at nude beaches that sharks do at family beaches.
I’m glad we’re finally banning plastic straws. It’s about time we started caring about camels and their fragile backs
For my niece’s 7th birthday, I’m filling a pinata with a smaller pinata. When she breaks it open I’m gonna yell “Oh God! She was pregnant!”
I live in a high crime neighbourhood if you count socks with sandals.
We all look like talking skeletons to Superman. Even his parents. I don’t know how that kid slept at night.
I can’t come up with a guitar pun, but I won’t fret about it.
me after killing a werewolf: more like werewolf {but this time i pronounce it were, like the second person singular past, plural past, and past subjunctive of be}
The fact that it’s still not legal to print your own money is bullshit.
Me: I have a problem.
Her: We’re married. Whatever it is, it’s our problem now.
Me: Ok. We had an affair with the neighbour’s daughter.
Interviewer: It says here you’re interested in waterfowl genealogy.
Me: I became fascinated with the subject when I noticed that both Daffy Duck and Donald Duck share the same family name and both their names begin with D.
Interviewer:
Me: And neither wears pants
[arrest]
ME: you’ve got the wrong g-
COP: tell it to the judge
[court]
ME: your honor, that cop has the wrong glasses for his face shape
My doctor asked my blood type and I said I don’t really have a ‘type’ I just like blood that makes me laugh
Kid: Where do babies come from?
Me: I’ll tell you when you’re older.
Kid: What happened to the rest of my fries?
Me: When a man and a woman…
teacher: “there are no stupid questions”
me: “ya ok but why isnt the plural of moose, meese”
Fun bible fact: No records exist of Jesus’ life from age 12 to 30 because he was backpacking across Europe with his pet Pterodactyl
Burgers, she wrote.
– Angela Lansbury before she goes shopping.