Identify the lie(s) in my spouse’s statement:
“I just need to make a quick stop on our way out of town”
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I might carry a baby with one hand.
Me: I’m hard at work
HR: this is why you’re fired
Once an octopus figures out how to do roundhouse kicks, humans are pretty much done
My friend is trying to quit his addiction to marathons. He’s in a 55,000 step program.
People always say reading romance novels will ruin dating for you like it’s a bad thing
I’m no body language specialist but I would interpret Gary Busey’s smile as saying, “I may or may not have eaten your parakeet.”
Ice cream guys gotta be furious about the moment food trucks are having. They spend hot summers driving around neighborhoods in search of a clientele with basically no money. Food trucks just drop anchor in an office park and suddenly everyone loses their shit for grilled cheese.
me: you know what, make it a double
proctologist: what?
BOSS: This is hard to say…we need to make cutbacks
ME: What’s so hard? “We need to make cutbacks” See? Piece of cake
BOSS: Getting easier
awesome draft from months ago i just found
Me: I hate drama.
Also me: Reads all 258 comments on a heated Facebook post thread that is 100 percent not my business.
my lower back watching me try to live my life
My kid asked where babies come from and I said everywhere, man, they’re worldwide.
*Abandons ship*
*Ship gets adopted*
*Tracks down ship in adulthood*
*Ship is happy and wants nothing to do with me*
Your first mistake was leaving your dessert on the table; your second mistake was trusting me not to eat it.
I’m starting a security system company that only installs those giant electrical fences in Jurassic Park
No pizza delivery in prison is the reason why I haven’t murdered anyone yet.
What should we call our new store?
“Will we sell pottery?”
No.
“Is it in a barn?”
No.
“Let’s go with Pottery Barn.”
Hell, I love it Carl.
Every few weeks I login to Facebook, update my birthday to the current day, and those idiots wish me happy birthday every time.
Me: [walking through front door]
4: Is it storming outside?
Me: Yeah it is buddy.
4: Did you get hit by lighting?
Me: Nope I’m all safe-
4: Why not?
I hate when I’m pooping alone in the house and I hear a noise.. please don’t kill me while i’m pooping..
all these baby pumpkins drained of their spice and discarded behind a Starbucks
I am just a girl, standing in front of the laundry, hoping it will wash itself.
Just when you’ve built some confidence that you’re a smarter than average human, universe sends you captcha.
Divorce… The most common home improvement project.
The only French I know are words for food items and the chorus of Lady Marmelade. Turns out that’s all you really need.
My 4yo niece: “You’re fat”
Me: “Santa died”
She said “stay up, imma call you”.
i’ve been awake for 4 days
Stop folding your fitted sheets. Roll them up into a ball like the rest of us.
My hair looks amazing today. I hope I see everybody I hate.