Friend: I’m so sore from the class I took at the gym
Me: I spent 10 minutes trying to pick up a cube of ice off my floor, I know the feeling
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Hey girl, are you an extraterrestrial? Because your man’s out here denying you exist.
microdosing lsd to gain a creative advantage at my job as a subway sandwich artist
Neat, your girlfriend is made out of the same stuff as your air guitar!
I’ve never been camping but one time I ordered something from Amazon that wasn’t Prime Eligible.
Nobody:
Absolutely no one:
Not a single soul on this Earth:
Not even their mom:
iNfLuEnCeR: “A lot of you have asked about my skin care routine…”
Gotta be tough for the guy somewhere who has to say “yeah, she left me for Charles Manson.”
white people eradicated entire populations for spices and yet the bay leaf remains a mystery
”How’d you get that scar on your head?”
[remembers falling at the playground as a kid]
”Stopped a bank robbery”
I like going to the cemetery early in the morning because, if you’re calm and patient, the skeletons will approach and even eat right out of your hand.
Our forefathers fought against British rule so anyone can become president. For the first time in 240 years, we’re regretting that decision.
Dad passed away several years ago but every Thanksgiving with the family all together I can’t help but think, you lucky bastard.
My sister is doing low carb and she told me she made a low carb quesadilla. I asked her how and she said she used eggs as the tortilla. I said that’s an omelette and now she isn’t talking to me
My sweet-as-can-be daughter who’s never even once gotten in trouble listens to podcasts about serial killers to relax, if you’re wondering about the healthy home environment I’ve provided.
[wife replies to text that I found a genie]
dont do a thing im almost home
[she pulls up and the car from the cars movie is in the driveway]
“love means never having to say you’re sorry”
“that is not what love means”
“sorry”
[chick-fil-a]
EMPLOYEE: can i take your order?
ME: yes, thank you for asking
EMPLOYEE: my pleasure
ME: and thank you for saying it was your pleasure
EMPLOYEE: please don’t do this
ME: oh i’m just getting started
So, if he gets divorced for the third time…
Does Melania get to keep the White House?
Apparently losing my mind was not the answer they expected when they asked what my plans for the weekend are
Don’t mess with me. I come from a generation that would walk to a mail box to mail a letter if we were angry enough with you.
WIFE: *spells out words so the kids won’t know what she is saying*
ME: [to the kids] I don’t know either.
netflix: are you still watching
me: no
netflix: then can i watch what i want now
[cheesecake for two at fancy restaurant]
Me: -bite-
Him: -bite-
Me: -bite-
Him -bite-
[cheesecake falls on its side]
Me: Jenga!
<job interview>
It says here on your resume that you are a “self-proclaimed man of few words.” Would you like to elaborate on that?Me: no
I don’t usually spank the kids while we’re in Walmart but yours were just asking for it.
Call me hun one more time and I stg I will invade a small European country.
Betrayal Treasury, Age 5:
Instead of ice cream after my tonsillectomy, a lime popsicle, the texture of which I do not enjoy.
I hate when you forget to wear a belt and have to shoot heroin using the blood pressure machine at walgreens.
Why do people assume I know all about computers just because I’m from India? That makes so I angry I just want to 01010010101010101010101
Donald Trump is like the “Scream” movies in that he blurs the line between comedy and horror.