*carries 11 grocery bags into house in one trip*
*locks keys in trunk*
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I was getting chased by a man yelling “STOP, POLICE!” & I yelled “YES YES STOP POLICE! THEY’RE OUT OF CONTROL!” But he kept chasing me
Marriage is not a noun; it’s a verb.
Kinda like crying, screaming, or dying.
Imagine being held at gunpoint (bear with me) by a literate animal, and the only hope of rescue is (BEAR WITH ME) tweeting a coded message
Ghosting my landlord by hiding in the walls and haunting the property when he tries to have someone else move in
Pac Man is my favourite video game about my life.
It keeps getting harder and I can’t stop eating everything in sight.
It took me 15 mins to explain to my 18yo son how to make Minute Rice, in case you were thinking about having kids.
[war]
COLONEL: The enemy is nearing…we need to turn up the heat
DAD SOLDIER: I am not paying to heat the entire war
When your bio says “No DMs,” I wanna DM you SO BAD and just say:
“OK.”
I cry way more when I’m angry than when I’m sad. So if you see my tears, look out for my left hook too.
Definition of Rap Songs: Anything that is too stupid to be spoken is sung.
Me: Can you tell the girl in the white dress I think she’s hot?
Priest: Absolutely not
Who will tell him he’s not a dog !
I needed a break from stupidity so I left work early.
This Valentine’s Day, make sure to make it extra awkward by playing “All By Myself” on full blast in your car while eating and sobbing into a bucket of fried chicken when you’re waiting at red lights.
Waiter: how would you like your steak cooked
Me: preferably over some type of heat source
Saying you wanted to know where I came from is no excuse for banging my mom.
My dog barked at the thunder & as a joke I barked a gentle “woof” back & he looked startled. Now I’m worried about what I said to him.
Wife “There’s three angry bears at the door for you.”
Me *spitting out perfectly temperatured porridge* “Tell them I’m not here.”
My husband found me lying on the sofa and told me that the kitchen was a complete mess. I said, “I know. That’s why I’m not in there.”
I’ve finally had time to open the boxes in the basement. Well guess who is coming up smelling like vintage 80s English Leather.
Lucy in the Sky with Some Splainin’ to Do.
If you love someone, throw your earbuds at them. There’s a good chance they’ll be entangled in them and won’t be able to run.
I can’t stop watching this.
Went on a date once.
He ordered for me, “She’ll have a small side salad.”
I said, “Yes, and a side of sirloin and a loaded baked potato.”
BOSS: that wraps up our meeting. does anyone have anything to add?
COWORKER WHO HAS NOTHING TO ADD: i have something to add
On average I spend about 25 minutes at Walmart …. and another 2 hours in the parking lot looking for my car.
Nothing like a nice refreshing shower to make you sweat relentlessly for at least an hour
Her: Can I sit down & join you?
Me: Be careful. I’m bad luck.
Her: Oh, no you’re not!
Me: (Sigh) You just sat on some gum…
Do you have hobbies, or did you decide on marriage instead.
“Don’t judge a book by its cover” is the worst advice ever.
That’s literally where title is. And the description. All the information about the book besides the actual story is ON THE COVER.