Me (being caught in bed with an optical illusion): it’s not what it looks like.
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I went on WebMD and I either have Covid or I’m getting my period
GUY WHO INVENTED CELEBRATING BIRTHDAYS: *is born* Ok wow like what an accomplishment
MOTHER: For me?
GUY: N- HELL no. For me. Please shut up
Mom can you come get me?
I wished someone happy birthdsy in the group chat and now everyone is saying birthdsy
Fun idea: Have a magician saw you in half at your funeral. Or not even a magician, just anybody with a big saw.
*doorbell rings, I open door*
Alien: Hi! Do you have a moment so I can teach you highly advanced life skills that will save your species?
Me: Yes! My vacuum is making a funny noise. Could you look at it?
Alien calls back to mothership: Can’t I just vaporize her?
Once a guy came to our door with an educational book-selling MLM. He tried to get my husband by asking “do you even know why a flamingo is pink?” And I guess the guy hadn’t anticipated running into a man raised on zoboomafoo because he walked away defeated.
My 9: what language does toast speak?
French toast.
I can hear fireworks so I have to go leave a nose print on every window of my house to try to find them
Pronouns:
He
She
It
You
We
TheyAmateurnouns:
Whoozits
Whatsername
Thingamajig
*vague pointing*
Whatchamacallit
Dudes
-Babe, I can’t find the condom, what if we don’t use it?
-Sure, I’m ready to be a mother anyways.
-No, no. Look, I found it!
Do you think if I jump I’ll glide down?
-My 5yo, standing on the counter holding an umbrella, about to learn an important physics lesson
Tried belly dancing but ended up looking like an insect about to die.
[dinner party]
GUEST: so what are your thoughts on euthanasia?
ME: [mouth full of mashed potatoes] I am against youths everywhere.
White girl frustrated in the 1700’s:
“I shan’t even”
By the time you reach 45, everyone becomes an expert orthopedist. “It hurts where? Yeah, that’s your medial hip flexor tendon maximus. I had that last year.”
Get a tattoo with Chinese symbols that reads, “I don’t know. I don’t speak Chinese.” Wait for people to ask what your tattoo means.
The scary thing about helping my kid with her sixth grade homework is that even though it was a long time ago I don’t remember being as bad as I am now at sixth grade.
In case of an emergency, eat fried chicken.
I’m not religious but I know there’s a hell because Monopoly exists
eighth henchman to go after jackie chan: ok well he’s not going to kick EIGHT of us
*wife looks through my phone
*divorces me 8 times
cyclists
Part of being a woman means you can break your leg or be having a cardiac arrest & a nurse will still ask when your last period was.
I’m not sure why people limit themselves to snapping wishbones when there are so many excellent human bones for breaking.
*orders pepperoni pizza*
Her: you need to start taking better care of yourself.
*calls back, adds mushrooms*
Paranormal Activity, but the demon that drags us out of bed is called “work”
If my wife calls me passive-aggressive one more time I swear to God I’m going to run the dishwasher half-empty again
Hell hath no fury like a toddler wants to “do it herself.”
Three hours later, I’m still waiting for her to get out of the car.
Scary is handing your car keys to the same kid who unintentionally locked himself in the bathroom that morning.
I want a masterchef for dudes that live by themselves. but not fancy dishes, they just make what they make every day and Ramsey critiques. ‘Allan you made kraft mac and cheese but added a whole block of butter. Chris, you literally just heated a can of beans. who is going home’