No, YOUR illiterate.
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People buying a plunger are usually not in a good mood.
Sloth is a deadly sin and an animal.
How come we don’t have animals named after the other deadly sins?
rent? again? no no you must be mistaken, i only just recently paid rent last month
the most efective way to clean ur room, start a creative project, run errands, cook, brush ur teeth and take a shower is to study for a exam
stop telling me to be the bigger person giants are shunned in our society
me: [getting stabbed]
dog: [sleeping]
me: [on fire]
dog: [sleeping]
me: [screaming for help]
dog: [sleeping]
me: [taking a dump while eating string cheese]
dog: [head between my legs] so whatcha doing
The only thing more predictable than the conspiracy theories is some people’s inability to distinguish Indonesia from Malaysia. #AirAsia
I get it, crocs and socks are not sexy at all, but I wasn’t getting laid in tennis shoes either and this is ridiculously comfortable.
I’m not an agoraphobe, I’m deeply in love with my stuff
9 out of 10 dentists agree: golf is a fantastic way to avoid raising your children.
You know you had yourself a weekend when the kids wake up Monday morning in the same pajamas you put them in Friday night.
Somewhere there’s a bat that witnessed their parents murder who now dresses like a human.
*me talking to a couple* so who’s the 6 and who’s the 9?
[ouija board]
“helo??”
YOUR… SPIRIT…
“shh its working”
WILL… APPEAR…
“omg”
AFTER… THIS… AD…
“dude why didnt u pay for this ouija board??!”
The self checkout lane was invented by a man who was sent to the store to buy tampons.
student: now what?
driver’s ed teacher: make a u turn
stndent: ok
*lawyer pops out of cake with divorce papers & pen in hand
*police sirens*
*Dad bursts into my room wearing a Princess Leia costume*
“HIDE THIS NO TIME TO EXPLAIN”
*throws bag of cinnamon buns at me*
2020 is vacuuming a penny, then a quarter, then a cat.
*pronounces “naked” like “baked”
My husband gets into the holiday spirit by saying JESUS CHRIST over and over while putting up the Christmas tree.
I’m so tired of all this cheap chicanery! Sir, where do you keep the expensive chicanery?
slapping people across the face with a glove and challenging them to a duel is a good way to end an argument at work.
*rubs magic lamp, genie appears*
I wish for World peace.
Genie: Can’t do it.
Million dollars?
Genie: Listen bro, I lied on my genie resume.
*gently releases can of tuna into the ocean*
Go ahead, Little Buddy! You can do this!!!
If you’re stuck at the top of a tree and afraid to get down, call me. I have no fear of heights so getting the chainsaw from my attic is not even an issue.
I doubt God made us in his image, because Snooki.
#ThisExplainsWhy my hair is such a mess EVERY morning!
There are plenty of fish in the sea.
There are also sharks, giant isopods, oil spills, Flight 370, and Somali pirates.