I have been calling a guy on our street John since he and his wife moved here about five years ago.
His name is Dave.
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Why stop at weighted blankets? Put a boulder on me.
Tip of the day: Don’t try to scratch an itchy ankle while on a treadmill.
I’m only here while I wait for that Nigerian prince to follow through on his end of the bargain.
The Purge, but instead of 24 hrs of killing whoever we want, we get to tell our friends that we really think the person they’re dating is trash without consequences.
me: i’m in love with you
therapist: *buzzes secretary* cancel my 10 o’clock
me: but I’m your 10 o’clock
Welcome to middle age. Your bladder makes its own decisions now.
“astrology isn’t real” bro we’re on a spinning rock and we have to pay for water. nothing is “real”.
My wedding will be open casket.
How to fix something:
-Say “let’s have a look”
-Describe the brokenness
-Break it a bit more
-Say “nah it’s broken”
-Place hands on hips
I forgot how to panic. Help
[Sesame Street casting]
Director: We need role models for the kids
“There’s a grouch and a cookie addict”
Director: Anything else?
“Two jobless roommates”
Director: First of all I love it
[moon landing]
ME: the beagle has landed
HOUSTON: you mean eagle?
ME: (holding the puppy I snuck onboard) nope
Spent the last 10 minutes trying to kill a false eyelash on the pillow that high me didn’t take off last night
my cousin asked if I wanted to hold her baby and I told her I have ringworm
Hotels are back
*making cookies with 3*
Me: Santa will love these!
3:
Me: we need to leave some cookies out for Santa
3:
Me:
3: just one.
Things that made my toddler cry this week:
– I wouldn’t let the dog drive him to daycare
– the bath was “too wet”
– he wanted syrup for breakfast…just syrup
– his sister “keeps looking at him”
– he wants shoes like his friend Jacob (there is no Jacob)How about your kid?
I’m stoned. Either the smoke alarm is beeping or the house is backing up.
You can buy wedding cake even if there’s no wedding, those suckers don’t even check
The hand doctor told me that I can no longer cook, clean, or vacuum.
Which would be amazing news if I actually did any of those things.
my father: enjoying the marching band?
me: yes 🙂
my father: when you grow up will you be the savior of the broken, beaten, and damned and defeat your demons & nonbelievers? cuz one day i’ll leave you, a phantom to-
me: feels like youve got some of your own stuff going on here
*3:27 am. batman rubs his eyes as he slowly walks up & switches off the giant spotlight that’s creating the bat signal in the sky. he turns to the crowd*
what do you guys want now?
I just leaped over a 3ft tall dog gate with the skill and grace of an olympian to get a snack from microwave.
*Adds track star to resume*
Every morning on my way to work, I slip on the frozen newspaper on our front porch.
I’ve fallen on some hard Times.
if I ever look at my phone in the middle of a conversation with you, I’m not reading a text, I’m just looking up the definition of a word I just used a bit too confidently
Still waiting on Gwen Stefani to release a song explaining budgeting.
New Neighbor: Hi, I’m Derek; I moved in downstairs.
Me: I’m Spencer; I’ll be looking in your window and judging your decorating choices.
Surprise sex is by far the best thing to wake up to! …Unless you’re in prison.