Im losing my mind and can’t remember when I’ve already done things.
Case in point: My fish are actually looking obese.
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doctor: and are u sexually active
puppet: he is not
doctor: i cant mark it down on the chart if it doesn’t come out of ur mouth
me (sadly putting my puppet down): i am not
If you wait for the perfect time. You will become a perfectionist at waiting.
A ponytail so tight I look 5 years younger and everyone thinks I’ve been smiling all day.
If she’s “one-in-million” there’s 1,344 of her in China.
The cat just yelled at the Roomba for making him get up and, as the father of two young kids, I’ve never felt closer to that feline.
I can’t make everyone happy, I’m not lasagna.
But I can cause heartburn like red sauce.
AT&T had a nationwide outage, giving kids an authentic 1900s experience.
Travis Kelce is living the dream of every unknown comedian rn. Having hordes of people share your old tweets and being like, “this guy is hilarious”
if you can’t handle me at my worst is there another preferably more affordable therapist you can refer me to
No, Susan, I haven’t just “grown a new beard” – I’ve rewilded my face.
attention murderers, please do not murder me for the next 1 hour and 40 minutes as i am once again watching How To Train Your Dragon
She hadn’t made a milkshake in years for fear that they would return.
She starts the blender reluctantly.
In the distance, screams.
The boys had returned. They were coming to her yard.
I’m 5’4″ – if I was supposed to be the bigger person, God would have made me taller
Her: You act like the Earth revolves around you.
Sun: *sigh* OK, Karen. Let’s go through this one more time.
The funniest thing about being sober is someday finding out that you were the mayor of Toronto.
All I’m saying is when I’m drunk in the backyard I still put my shirt on just like everyone else, one leg at a time…
[Spelling Bee]
-Your word is ‘leniency’
-Can you use it in a sentence?
-*gets law degree*
*works in law*
*becomes judge*
*fines robber £1*
If someone ghosts you, respect the dead & never disturb them again.
Deciding to work in HR is like choosing to be the dorm RA for the rest of your life
if u die of a potassium induced stroke cuz you ate too much fruit, bitch that’s called a bananeurysm
Bought some of that edible cookie dough.
Gotta say it’s just not as good without the hint of a salmonella threat.
Change is supposed to be a good thing, but I don’t think pennies, nickels, and dimes have ever done anything to deserve my respect.
She ran her fingers through my hair and pulled hard. I wanted to ask her to do it harder – but probably inappropriate for the hair salon.
Safety first
Netflix just suggested I get up and walk around before I develop a blood clot.
The poorest man can be rich if he gets a bunch of money.
ME: do dogs think we have three mouths because we pick stuff up with our hands?
VET: where exactly is your dog
ME: he’s uh coming later
Wordle 241 1/6
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Finally figured out how to correctly play this game!
Science can’t explain it, but some hairs can grow up to a quarter inch overnight. Never in a good spot though
Sorry but if these walls could talk I’m pretty sure they’d talk about wall things and not whatever scandal you’re blowing out of proportion.