My husband and I are co-counsel in trial today.
We already had an argument about who would drive to the courthouse.
This should be good.
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can we normalize arguing with little kids they’re so rude 😭
I shot my first Turkey today. Scared the shit out of everyone in the frozen food section, it was awesome!
modern restaurant names either tell you everything about them or nothing. It’s either ‘meat and bread’ or it’s ‘effervescent’ but either way you’re paying $16 for a cocktail
If I could have immunity to anything I would pick calories
Thanks for telling me I’m really funny ‘for a girl.’ You’re really stupid for a human.
My cousin thinks the phrase is sperm of the moment. Someday, I may correct her.
[movie casting]
ME: I’m here for the stuntman job
“Do you have any experience?”
ME: No, but I took a…
“Please don’t”
ME: …crash course
Him: Amazon Prime and chill?
Her: That’s not something people say.
Him: Sure it is. Bing it.
Her: Also not a thing.
When I’m making the bed, my dogs ride the covers like little surfers without surfboards.
If they had surfboards, that would just be ridiculous.
If I won the lottery, I wouldn’t go nuts. Probably buy some printer ink, and with what was left over, maybe an avocado.
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
You have to be careful with people. You give someone the wrong look and they’ll tell you their whole life story.
anyone have any tips for making eggs that won’t leave my toaster a huge mess?
Wife: I didn’t buy the shirt because it was too crepey
Me: Creepy?
W: Crepey
M: Crappy?
W: Crepey!
M: Oh, okay…
W: You have no idea, do you?
When I’m King, people who say “based” will be the first to go.
I made a bunch of “missing” flyers, hoping we can find all the telephone poles that disappeared, but now I have a new problem.
Sarcasm…
Because mocking you directly would be rude.
I have two selves:
One wants to be skinny and my jeans to fit. The other is a fat, hungry monster who would murder her own grandmother for a butterfinger.
One day I’d like to be able to exit a room without everyone simultaneously exclaiming “dear god, what just happened”
College: Now that you’re making tons of money with your degree, please donate back to us every year
Me: lol
College: lol ikr?
Everyone becomes a robo-dancer with their hands when the motion sensor faucet isn’t working.
Young MacDonald had a farm,
Heavy GMO.
The corn’s pest-free but side effects,
Are more or less unknown.
I still let my Mom make all my phone calls for me, but my customer service center boss is getting annoyed.
People complain a lot about Peeps, but when I really want to eat something slightly toxic and also glittery, they’re the first thing I reach for
[diner]
ME: I’ll have the eggs, please
WAITER: how would you like those?
ME: painted and hidden for me to find, thank you.
at the grampys, about to anounce who won the grampy award. open envelope. its grandpa!!! you did it congratulations
They say you will eat around 23 spiders in your life, but really you can eat as many as you want. Treat yourself, you deserve it.
$3 #books