FRIEND: What’s the movie, where they bring that monster to life and then have to destroy it?
[at the same time]
HER: Frankenstein.
ME: Frosty the Snowman.
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At this point making life choices involves liquor and a dart board.
“Get at least 8 hours of beauty sleep. 9 if you’re ugly.” – Betty White
Therapist: it’s not real. you have to stop deluding yourself
Me: no I really am a gryffindor I swear
Therapist: abbie, we both know you’re a hufflepuff
I was thinking about drinking less beer but I knew I couldn’t do it if I always have cold ones ready to go.
It was self a self fridge-filling prophecy
Signs you’re a full fledged adult:
• You choose restaurants based on the availability of parking
• You pay attention to the weather now
• You have at least one mole you’re keeping an eye on
• You have a favorite stove burner
• You don’t give af what’s “cool” anymore
My girlfriend said she bought the lingerie for me, but then got upset when I put it on… I dont get women.
michael jordan’s parents really named him after a shoe
Stop buying plastic skeletons for Halloween. It’s terrible for the environment. Locally sourced, all natural skeletons are much more environmentally friendly.
I ran out of coffee this morning, beer seemed like an acceptable replacement. Everyone is so pretty today.
It was obvious from the camera angle it was AMC killing it’s viewers. #TWDfinale
I hate when someone is killed in a movie. While normal ppl watch the scene, all i’m doing is try to catch the dead character breathing.
[portrait studio]
ARTIST: I charge $50 per limb, because limbs are difficult to draw
ME: How much to draw me from the side?
ARTIST: That’ll cost you an arm and a leg
(Disney Dating Tips)
1.Kidnap Dad
2.Coerce Daughter
3.Awkward music-filled dates
4.Angry mob danger
5.Stockholm Syndrome
-Beauty & the Beast
[coming back into house from grocery store]
Me: thanks for coming with me!
7: I didn’t really have a choice.
Me: but it was nice, right?
5: we can’t stay home alone.
One of the lights in my bathroom is out. I look at least ten years younger.
So wild that you can walk into any Walmart, open a Ouija Board in the game aisle, summon a Demon and then just leave.
I heard a mouse yesterday. So now I loudly announce myself whenever I enter a dark room. In case you’re wondering how brave I am
Went to an outdoor restaurant in the rain once. Took me two hours to finish my soup.
When I lay all my cards out on the table, people be like “Damn, where you get all them cards?”
Your first mistake was leaving your dessert on the table; your second mistake was trusting me not to eat it.
When someone ends a sentence with “af” they were hastily trying to type “A FALCON DESCENDS UPON ME” but could not make it in time.
Everyone in the gym on January 1st
“Thou shall keep swimming” -Nemonians 7:69
At my 12yo’s school awards ceremony tonight I danced in my seat just enough for her to see me, smile, shake her head in happy embarrassment, and look down to avoid accidentally smiling again
My work here is done
Legos cost way too much for smthg I still have to put together myself
Thank God the conventions are over because now we can get back to the real issues: FOOTBALL.
WIFE: You’re very quiet. What are you thinking?
ME: If we could teach chickens to play basketball, we could set up a league and call it the HenBA
HER: Sometimes it’s ok to say ‘nothing’.
Who called it a wedding licence and not marry-time law
I put energy drinks in the hummingbird feeder. It’s for science.
I like telling car salesmen “Listen, we both know I’m not here to buy a car” and trying to figure out what it is they think I’m there to do