[karate tournament]
coach: Billy sweep the leg!
me in the crowd: haha hey billy vacuum his head!
*Billy just wails opponent with a Dyson*
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Ironically when you cut your own hair the bar for success is not looking like you cut your own hair.
[interview]
“What’s your strongest trait?”My fingers.
“No, like… Are you pinching me??”
GIVE ME [fighting to maintain pinch]
THE JOB
I told my wife she was packing the suitcase wrong so guess who has to put his vacation clothes in grocery bags now.
Best way to get a girl to come home with you is to tell her you own 3 lava lamps seriously what girl wouldn’t want to see 3 lava lamps
I made $12 in the cryptocurrency market. Learn how I did it in my new book, “How I made $12 in cryptocurrency market”.
Hubby asked me to role play sexy maid but was sold out
*Dressed up like David Spade from Tommy Boy
“HOUSEKEEPING, YOU WANT ME FLUFF PILLOW”
My husband just said, “I have a game I think you’d be interested in that I bet you haven’t heard of…
It’s called Wordle”
I’m a really great friend – provided you don’t have any other friends to compare me with and never listen to my advice.
I got bills
They’re multiplying
my red blood cells watching me pick open a scab that they spent hours making
I think this cat is broken
Me: “Keep your friends close, and your enemies closer.”
Friends: “No thanks.”
Enemies: “Also no thanks.”
*sees guy dressed as ghost for Halloween*
Hey buddy thats not funny, my grandma is a ghost
“I’m quite content on this side of the street, thank you.”
— No squirrel ever.
Not to brag but growing up my boys thought a unanimous decision meant whatever mom wants.
Wonder which part of Batman’s belt holds the bat-shaped throat lozenges he uses after speaking in his tough voice for long periods of time.
Hi, my name is Marlene
[Group in unison]: Hi Marlene
Sometimes I pee when I sneeze.
[Group]: …
Me: uh doesn’t AA mean ‘awkward accidents’?
Me: You’re getting so tall!
Child: I don’t really like that because it means I’m getting older and when you’re older you’re closer to dying.
Me: …Oh.
Child: Sorry, I won’t talk about that. It might scare you.
Me:
Child: Because you’re already so old and close to dying.
Aries: You pissed off the moon. You’re on your own.
“I’m scared of thunder and vacuums but this beehive full of killer bees looks delicious.”
– Dogs
me: [jumping out of a cake]
skydiving instructor: really not necessary for the experience
i don’t like little dogs. i draw the line at ever having to say “we’ll go outside later, Brutus. there’s an owl out there.”
Before Twitter I had to disappoint people in person.
Me: [hears knock on door] who is it?
Trooper: State Police identify yourself
Me: Police identify yourself
Trooper: State Police
Me: Police
Firecrackers let you know how close drunk people are to your house.
Thanks to Sesame Street, I grew up thinking that Americans had a particular problem with counting.
I get fat really quickly for someone who doesn’t want to
Girl you are his 9th twitter girlfriend in 2 years, he’s not your soulmate.
I refuse to check my engine when the light comes on. It will only keep coming on for the attention.
Editor: What’s the first question every good reporter asks?
Reporter: Why did I major in journalism?