It’s funny how my doorbell starts working when I’m expecting a pizza delivery.
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video games are rated M for mature if they contain scenes of someone buying reading glasses or complaining about not getting enough fiber
Been looking for you, every, single, day in the obituaries.
Darling
I know repetitive noises irritate people so I’m surprised there weren’t more rage-induced murders back when typewriters were being used
Relationship status: The pizza is late and I’m worried
Classified ad:
Hunter seeks gatherer for nasty, brutish and short relationship. No weirdos.
A lot of people think my handle is my actual name but it isn’t. My real name is Rachel Onomatopoeia.
Filed a restraining order against Starbucks. Creepy. Every time I turn around, there they are.
“I’m quitting Twitter forever!”
This isn’t Twitter International Airport. You don’t need to announce your departure.
I always double-check our garage door is closed at night. I don’t want someone stealing all the stuff we’ve been trying to get rid of for years.
Wanna know the secret to a good marriage? Sleep. Cant do anything wrong while sleeping. Unless you talk in your sleep, then youre dead.
hear me out : pockets for your socks
Guys, women can spot another woman at 10 paces and tell you if she’s wearing 5″ or 6″ heels. She knows exactly what, 6″+ looks like.
Kid: Are you going to keep using weird Easter words today?
Me: Eggs-actly.
Kid: Stop!
Me: Egg-cellent idea.
Kid: Not another peep!
Me: Nice.
Her: How’s your drink?
Me: It’s ok. I can’t taste the alcohol though
Her:That’s cause we’re at the gym and its a protein shake
(Hugging)
Me: you smell good. Is that a new cologne?
Him: No, I dropped turkey gravy on my shirt earlier.
Me: That’s a good smell for you. Maybe try a white peppercorn version next time.
Him:
A Covid test nurse asked if I’ve had a sudden loss of taste. I told her, “No, I’ve dressed like this for quite a while.”
Life hack :
Receive a wide assortment of yellow, orange, pink and red envelopes, free of charge, simply by not paying your bills.
I told him I like a big vocabulary and now he won’t stop using 72pt font.
A spider so big you politely ask it to leave the premises & then sheepishly accept its refusal with all the dignity of a French surrender.
If Kim delivered food is she a Doordashian?
Once upon a time, I’d leave my seat early at a concert or sporting event so I could beat the traffic.
Nowadays, it’s probably because I need to beat the queue for the toilet.
boss: why did you cross out “world” on my “world’s best boss” mug
me: have you met every boss in the world
boss: no bu—
me: just seems like a lofty claim
boss: {gesturing at my “universe’s awesomest employee” shirt}
me:
boss:
me: this one’s true tho
As I looked at my naked body in the mirror, I thought to myself:
“I’m going to get thrown out of this home depot in a minute.”
[Burgler walking around our house] Have…have I been here already tonight?
Forgot the word ‘flyswatter’ so I just called it a death spatula
Two crows fall in love, move in together, start a family.
The perfect murder.
Can we just cut the crap and make all serving sizes based on an actual person? No one is sitting down in front of the TV like “Can’t wait to eat these 9 chips!”
**You’re through to 911, dial 1 for human cops, dial 2 for lobster cops**
[smashes 2 frantically while crayfish tries to break down my door]
You think if you die with a yeast infection, you’ll rise from the dead?
*goes produce shopping*
Wife: Get in line & watch the cart.
Me: OK.
Wife: I’ll be right back.*minds peas & queues*