My wife and I have started making videos of plates and bowls that we’re selling from home while snowed in.
Now is the winter of our dish content.
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I unfollowed a guy in the Navy; too many sub tweets.
People who drink green tea, what’s the matcha with you?!
4-year-old: Dad?
Me: What? I’m trying to sleep.
4:
Me:
4: What’s the phone number for the firefighters?
Now I’m awake.
Thanks to feminine hygiene advertising, I expected my first period to come out blue.
Imagine my surprise when it was bright green.
Me: Excuse me Father, what’s the Wifi password?
Priest: We’re in Church!
Me: Oh I’m sorry. What’s the Wifi password, Amen.
Me: Got any more of those debbled eggs?
Friend: Did you just say DEBBLED eggs?
Me: No, I said the right thing…
DATING: i can’t believe we have so much in common
MARRIAGE: please don’t watch your stuff under my netflix profile
My dog doesn’t wear a collar, he wears one of those big gold chains that major league baseball players wear.
Dont think about tomorrow because thats when the judge starts using the term premeditated.
My toddler rolled over in his sleep and said ‘No Mommy’ and smacked me in the face. I have to clue what I did but I now understand how my husband feels after I tell him I’m mad at him for something he did in my dream.
“Do you need help with your math homework Billy?”
“Yeah I sure do Dad!”
“Well you’re shit out of luck”
let’s split up gang… me and this super hot girl who hangs out with us for some reason are gonna search the house… turtleneck u take the dog and this filthy hippie to the graveyard
A restaurant nearby was burglarized and concerned neighborhood residents awakened from sleep by the extra loud helicopter the police sent to deal with it are getting to the bottom of whether or not the restaurant’s food is good
You know what bothers me? When people assume you’re homeless cause you’re asleep on the street and your pants are gone..
I realized I was maybe not the best listener when a friend had to come out to me twice.
I want negative calorie credit for all the junk food I pass up. Didn’t eat that cookie? That’s -150 calories.
[2000]
Satan: I need a new idea on how to mess with people
Henchman 1: New STD?
S: No
H2: Incurable virus?
S: No
H3: A cameraphone
S: Nice
My mispronunciation of French words is a touché subject.
Whenever I watch a home invasion thriller, I’m mostly terrified by how I’ll never be able to afford to own a home.
cop: do you know who the murderer is?
detective quasimodo: i have a [takes off sunglasses] decent lead
cop: [obviously disappointed] oh
detective quasimodo: what?
cop: it’s just i thought you were gonna say you had a… nvm it’s not important
I’m going for a run. I have some severely unused sexual energy and tension I need to pound out.
I should be back in about eight days.
She’s a 10…but sometimes an 8 and maybe a 12 once in awhile because clothing sizes are so inconsistent.
I left her for one minute to use the bathroom. One minute.
Sex is like riding a bike…..no matter how confident you are, you’re not allowed to do it naked in the park.
He died doing what he loved.
He didn’t know she was married.
i made my dad a beetloaf and he tried to run me over with his van
“Don’t be a stranger,” I say, having already forgotten the name of the person I’m talking to.
My kid:
With blanket – too hot
Without blanket – too coldUnder my blanket with a leg over my neck – perfect
Dating Profile – Don’t listen to what my wife says, I’m really pretty nice.
I’m not saying that I’d summon Cthulhu to avoid work this morning, but I’m not ready to say that I wouldn’t either