Why can’t we have a civil debate?
– people who can’t even stay on topic
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On the phone:
Me – Do you have brown or beige gravy for Thanksgiving?
Mom – Brown, why?
Me – No reason.
(Pulls out brown shirt for preemptive spills)
A Haiku For My Salad:
I do not like you
You will never be grilled cheese
You make my mouth sad
If my kids made a Lego Movie song
Everything Is Stickyy
Anywhere Is Cool For Wiping Your Hands
Everything Is Stickyyy
And Mommy Will Scream
I won’t open the garage door because I’m afraid the cast and crew from “Hoarders” will be outside waiting.
Her: HELP I’M ON FIRE!!
ME: *slow drag on cigarette* Technically, the fire is on you.
I judge the strength of the economy based on what type of candy people hand out on Halloween.
*Brings an ukulele to a gun fight.
Eating my way out of the ball pit.
in chinese “māo” means cat so when we meow at our kitties we’re just shrieking CAT at various frequencies
Hey where’s Brian?
“Oh he’s taking a p_ _p”
A what?
“Um dropping a d_ _c_”
Huh?
“Taking a sh_t….Uhh Cr_p!”
Oh! He’s evacuating his vowels?
Imagine you know a guy named Gary, & Gary calls his car the Garymobile & insists that you do, too. What I’m saying is Batman is a douche
Born to be mild.
“Oh shit, I’m supposed to go find them…”
Who?
“The kids. We were playing hide and seek.”
-my husband, about 20 minutes into a conversation he and I were having
Wooden toothpicks are great for when you have something stuck in your teeth but you also want something else stuck in your teeth
A Serial Killer Known For Ripping Out Tounges Entered The Buzzfeed Office And What He Did Next Left Us Speechless
[devil’s first day on the job]
human: so i get anything I want?
devil: yes
human: and all you want is my shoe?
devil: just the bottom part, but yes
Dear Tech Support,
I twied to puth my tongue in tha USthB port again. Canth you helpf?
I like to think I’m in charge but then one sad look from my child finds me gently disposing of a dead yard mouse in a nice bag on a carefully arranged bed of leaves
Warm welcome to all my new followers from last night when I changed my avi to a skinny brunette from Pinterest
dude it’s called proctologist
*first day of pilot school*
Teacher: It feels like you misheard the class description
Me: Why do you say that
The parrot on my shoulder: Why do you say that
If you watch Footloose during the pandemic, the minister who tells everyone not to dance is now the hero.
I asked my kid to sweep the floor and she said “Okay, but only if I can mop too”, so now I need to figure out whose baby I accidentally took home from the hospital
waitress: are there any allergies at this table?
me, already drunk: POLLEN
soup is a safe food to eat in the shower it’s already wet so there’s basically no risk
Just ate a cheap foil-covered Easter egg & it was so disgusting, I ate 9 more to ensure my initial assessment was correct. I concur with me.
ME: whose dog are you
DOG: I’M YOUR DOG I’M YOUR DOG YES YES YES TWIRL TWIRL
ME: whose cat are you
CAT: Possession is a solipsistic paradigm, Vivian. However, if I were to define myself as belonging to anyone, it would be myself. In this essay, I will DON’T TOUCH MY STOMACH
The Bachelorette… but for cats.
[on date]
HER: I cant see u anymore
ME (hiding under table): lol I know
H: no I mean I cant see u anymore
M (still under table): lol I know
I am not mature enough for this many work emails to be going back and forth about an incoming hot load