[leaning against the wall like a cool guy in an 80s music video]
Me: *slow nods at pretty girl*
Pharmacist: Sir…your suppositories are ready
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I composed this tweet in a way that only the sexy can read it, so congratulations
Sex is great and all but have you ever blown a snot rocket that opened your nasal passage up again?
It’s so weird being an introverted parent to an extroverted child because whenever I’m around town without her, strangers are like “hey, where’s Greta?” and I’m like you’re a random senior citizen in the coffee shop, how do you know my 4-year-old??
“Siri, what are the side effects of Valium?” I mumbled into the tv remote.
robber: gimme your money
me: don’t hurt me i take care of my declining parents
my dad: [from inside the car] don’t believe his lies
[First day as pirate]
*sword tip pokes me in back*
*sighs*
*walks plank*Me: Whatever, y’all are out of rum anyway.
Him: You drank it all!
My favourite part about playing video games is probably thwarting evil. You never get to thwart anything in real life. I like to thwart.
The aliens among us mentally scream at having to continue this charade.
X-tra spooky blend
Drive as I say, not as I drive.
What idiot called it a hot air balloon and not a sphere of heights
me: umm did you tell your teacher that means pretend karate moves?
6: no
me:
My husband never answers the phone when I need him!
When I need him: Middle of the afternoon, on a Tuesday, while he is at work, and there is not one but TWO wasps flying around the kitchen tormenting me.
SEND HELP!
I’m an Obama supporter but there’s no escaping the harsh truth that Batman v Superman happened on his watch.
Me: *just died* I can finally rest without my kids waking me up for dumb shit
Son using Ouija board: HEY MA
MMA – where men fight other men in their underpants.
The local diner is now selling rolls of toilet paper displayed in the glass case alongside their pie, which is really confusing.
Unless you’ve ever eaten their pie.
8 year old me: bye dad gonna go meet melissa and throw lawn darts at each other
dad: WAIT
me:
dad: don’t forget to take a jacket
Her: I like the man-horsey in this film. He’s hot.
Me: Centaur.
H: What?
M: Centaur
H: Is that his name?
M: I want a divorce.
“Hashtag.” #ReplaceAOneWordMovieTitleWithTheWordHashtag
What was more important than the invention of the first telephone?
The invention of the 2nd telephone
Zelda is the name of the PRINCESS, the guy in green who saves her is named Luigi, idiots.
god: u can eat things twice ur size
snake: ok but how
god: go like 😮
snake:
god: then u just kinda :O
Anyone who has ever said “I’m just going to let these dishes soak” has no intention of doing those dishes
I traveled over 500 miles to go home and one of first things my mom says is “you need a haircut”
Facebook: see what my mom’s friends are up to
Instagram: see what my favorite celebrities are up to
Twitter: see what my fellow swamp demon hell spawn are up to
Coworker: First case of coronavirus in our city.
Me: *coughs*
Coworker:
Me: *hands coworker gun* You know what needs to be done.
Coworker: You choked on water. I saw you.
Me: YOU KNOW WHAT NEEDS TO BE DONE.
[2015 Bird Awards]
AND THE AWARD FOR GROSSEST NAME GOES TO…HORNED GUAN
(Lizard Buzzard quietly puts acceptance speech back in pocket)
Ghost of Christmas Past: ‘You were kind of an idiot.’
Ghost of Christmas Present: ‘You’re an idiot.’
Ghost of Christmas Yet to Come: ‘You’re-‘
Me: ‘I get it, I get it!’
I don’t mean to brag but most people double lock their door after I leave