I’m jealous of how many friends the people on Intervention have.
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My sexual fantasy is that I’m a pizza boy, and I deliver pizza to sorority girls and they can’t pay for it, so my boss lets me take all that pizza home for free
[First date]
HER: I want a man who is intensely passionate when he sees something he wants
ME: PASS THE FREAKING SALT
My boss said “dress for the job you want, not for the job you have”
Now I am sitting in a disciplinary meeting in my Wonder Woman costume.
ME: [grinding pepper onto my food]
IRON MAN: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE
Interviewer: Tell me how did you hear about this job?
Me: Through sheer desperation and boredom, I applied to 215 jobs in 8 days while high and you responded
Before we were married, my wife was like a tiger in the bedroom.
Now she’s more like a possum.
She plays dead whenever a snake approaches.
I’m tired of the grind and have decided to seek romantic comedy employment. Currently searching postings for high paying positions in a whimsical book shop.
I’m sick of everybody in this house.
-me, who lives alone.
[Dinner Party]
ME: I’d like to raise a glass…
{years later…}
ME: Son, you’re adopted
GLASS: WHAT?!!
A relationship is like a shark, it looks better on TV
Add some young bull sharks to your rich neighbor’s natural swimming pool for a little excitement
I picked up some socks off the floor and my 4yo said, “I was just going to do that.” Now I’m waiting for him to start asking why there are so many lights on in this house
I’ve spent the last six months trying to find my Mother-In-Law’s killer, but no one is willing to do it.
Whenever I slide down a brontosaurus right into my car, I can’t help but be reminded of the Flintstones intro
I bought a blender to make some healthy smoothies. Long story short I make the best margaritas now.
Answering: How are you?
“Good”
-lame
-probably a lie
-will have you ask “how are you” in return“Not good”
-lame
-looks weak
-incites follow-up questions“That’s confidential”
-inventive
-sounds mysterious
-allows to answer follow-up questions with “that’s confidential” too 😀
Getting shit done. Was my response when my boss ask me what I’m doing. And now I’m sitting outside of H.R.
Got my inhaler mixed up with my psychedelic frog and went on one hell of a wheezy ride.
american companies transporting deadly chemicals anywhere
The best job ever? Sleeping Beauty at Disney World. You just lay down all day. If anyone bothers you, it’s like excuse me, I’m working here.
My kids love playing pretend. My 9yo pretends to be a dinosaur and my 13yo pretends she doesn’t know us.
just learned that cows have best friends. when they are together they experience less stress which means even cows have more friends than you
I don’t think humans are capable of sounding more disgusting than when they are being rude to their mothers or singing along to Mariah Carey
Me: I don’t feel well
Mom: Did you eat the plastic fruit again, Gigi?
Me: No
Mom: …
Me: …
Mom: …
Me: *throws up plastic banana*
COP: [flashes his light into my car]
ME: *struggles to roll down window* “Sorry this isn’t my car.”
My wife got mad at me for buying the family size pack of oreos for just the two of us and I was like are we or are we not a family
Just got my second Covid vax. So now I’m going to need another excuse for why I’m not having sex.
Me: I weigh 10x more than the cat and yet she trusts me completely. So sweet.
You:
Me:
You: It’s a lot more than 10x.
Me: Don’t ruin this.
u guys like coachella? u know who else was in a desert with people who didn’t shower? Moses. hi i’m your new youth pastor Keith
wish i loved anything as much as my hoodie sleeve loves water.