Just saw that my wife was googling ballroom dancing lessons and now I’m hoping that she’s having an affair.
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My child will plan a thousand activities for after school then come home and sit in her pants watching cartoons for hours instead so I guess the apple really doesn’t fall far from the tree
Can’t wait for Game of Thrones to come back because I miss civilized political discourse.
My birthday’s 9 months after my dad’s. So I have to live with that knowledge.
the world is kind of a disaster anyways let’s do a Jurassic park, dinosaurs deserve another go
ME: how old is your son?
WOMAN WHO STILL CAN’T ACCEPT THAT HER BABY HAS GROWN UP AND MOVED OUT: 288 months
Me: do you like piña coladas?
Date: yes
Me: *marking chart*
Human Robot
——————————
|Me: and getting caught in the rain?
Date: not really
Me: *eyes narrow*
Starbucks job interview:
“What’s your name?”
“Alyssa”
“Spell that please”
“L A R I S S A”
“When can you start?”
My 3YO thinks woman get pregnant by eating too much food that somehow creates a baby in their belly and I’m just thinking about how scary that would be.
“Do you want seconds?”
“HELL NAH! I’ve got three kids at home.”
Global warming is real the number of hot singles in my area has been increasing since 2007 that cannot be a coincidence
“Are you going to finish that?”
-takes a tantrum from a toddler
My daughter told me I’m “slightly prettier than Ben Franklin,” so I have that going for me.
My neighbors have been listening to my kid’s favorite song over and over and over today. Whether they liked it or not.
“Hey what should we call our multi-million dollar juice company?”
“Juicy Juice”
“What? Are you sure? Why don’t we-”
“Juicy. Juice.”
unlike drugs, twitter addiction won’t cost you anything, except your social life
principal: your resume says you only teach subtraction?
me: I just want to make a difference
The subtext of Moby Dick, The Rime of the Ancient Mariner, and most of Conrad is that you should never make eye contact with a retired sailor because he’s just waiting to tell you some interminable story about his time at sea.
Instagram dude: If you’re like me, and are OBSESSED with French food when it gets cold out…
Every other person alive: Wut?
*runs into a burning building to save the fire*
If you feed your kitten Muscle Milk it will become a tiger in as little as 90 days or you get your money back.
People half my age are now legitimate adults, and frankly I find this offensive.
Word.
~ Microsoft.
From my hospital bed it occurred to me, that i could never work in a hospital because there are too many opportunities to nap.
Postcards are just weird. It’s like, “Hey everyone, feel free to read what I wrote to my aunt until it’s delivered to her house.”
Me: Sorry, I don’t have any alcohol in the house.
Her: Oh, you don’t drink?
Me: No, I drink. I just drink faster than other people…
Apparently John Oliver is too awesome for words. But we already knew that.
Mosquitoes use a numbing agent so we feel no pain from their bites. This is one easy way to tell if you were bitten by a mosquito or a shark
friend: they say pennywise takes form of your greatest fear
[later]
tv: the big bang theory marathon starts now!
me: holy shit it’s him
[reflecting on past]
“Ah, yes. I see what the problem is. See all of this?”
*gestures at everything*
“All of this is wrong.”
the food pyramid is a conspiracy by big triangle to sell more triangles
I demand Lisa from high school face me in a public debate about why she made out with Craig when it was MY BIRTHDAY PARTY