Carrots are a great thing to eat when you are hungry and want to stay that way.
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Him: This fish is too fishy.
Me: How’s your water? Too wet?
[commercial for soap]
NARRATOR: soap. it fights dirty.
the first 10 minutes of going to anyone’s place in LA is them trying to calm down their dog while telling you this never happens
A birth control commercial with a kid in the backseat screaming “WHAT’S THAT” and a driving parent yelling “I CAN’T SEE WHAT YOU’RE POINTING AT” repeat until everyone is crying
It’s Friday after 2, setting automatic replies in outlook to just say “Chimichanga” with no further explanation.
5: What’s for dinner? Probably something gross like last time. So, what’s for gross dinner?
Me: I’m having pasta but I no longer know what you’ll be eating
My super power is being that person in all your crowd selfies staring directly into your camera.
Need this in my life lol
Odd that the silent way to alert performers they should quickly end their act is a gesture to slice your own throat.
Scientists say North America is going to sink into the ocean but we can change that.
With a healthy diet and a little bit of exercise.
Remember when everyone was tweeting about how bad 2019 was and we couldn’t wait until it was over?
2019: “How you like me now?”
What base is it when he says, “Stop calling me. We broke up three years ago”?
i still can’t believe that my senior class voted me “least likely to let things go”
I caught my insane ex going through my garbage, but I guess that’s what I get for dating a raccoon.
If you walk up to me with a plate of food and say “Matt?”
My name will always be Matt.
Waiter: Can I see your ID?
Me: I used to duct tape my discman so the AA batteries didn’t fly out.
Waiter: What would you like to drink?
Shout out to all the parents who volunteered to take care of the class snake over the weekend — last March.
Wife: “How did your first day as a lifeguard go?”
Me: “Amazingly well, thanks. Everyone was so friendly and waving at me.”
I always go swimming with a spoon in case I need to defend myself from a jellyfish.
[first day as a pilot]
control tower: what’s your location
me: i’m in the cockpit
control tower: i mean where is the airplane
me: mainly behind me
Thought a guy on a bicycle was doing a fist pump so I almost did one back until I realized he was just really enthusiastic about turning right
I was just interrogated by my 7yo who, frankly, was SHOCKED to discover her dad is my first and only husband and I don’t want to know what that says about me
The only thing we need to bring back is duels.
[2052 pre-apocalypse]
Him: If only we had one of those old VCR cables, we could save the world
Me: (pulling out bin) SEE KAREN, I TOLD YOU WE NEEDED TO KEEP THESE CORDS
[date]
HER: I’m studying to be a scientist but really love comedy
ME: [trying to impress her] Botany good textbooks lately?
Five second rule? Pfft. What’s the point of having an immune system if you’re not going to use it?
Her: You are a good looking guy
My brain: She likes you don’t make this weird
My mouth: You too
My brain: He shoots and hits a baby in the upper bleachers
One way to handle social anxiety is to pretend you are a ghost & people are staring at you because they have a gift they never asked for
My drink of choice is vodka because I never recovered from those images of people stomping on grapes with their bare feet
someone just broke into my house and inhaled all my air guitars