I used to brag that my dad worked in the food court.
I thought he was a food lawyer. Shoulda wondered why a lawyer would wear a sbarro shirt
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Maybe I’m driving around with my coffee on the roof because I want to cool it down. YOU DON’T KNOW.
20YR OLD ME: awww yeah! a new car!
30YR OLD ME: aww yeah! a new Xbox 360!
40YR OLD ME: aw yeah! a new shower curtain with a mildew-resistant liner!
this mf tried to spell arrangatangs with an o
I’m not saying I’m getting fat, but my dirty talk in bed is mostly just recipes for pies.
McDonald’s just offered me a coupon book to promote the mcrib in a tweet?? Lmao no thanks,, im not THAT cheap. Not like the McDonald’s™️ McRib™️ sandwich. So tangy. So delicious. A little slab of heaven for a mere $2.99 now available for a limited time only
Software Development ⛵️
Them: “Live in the moment!”
Me: “HAVE YOU SEEN THIS MOMENT?”
What do you call a restaurant that sells only beans?
A gas station.
me: Should I pack condoms?
wife*laughs*
me*driving*
wife*still laughing*
me*checks into the hotel*
wife*calls friend so they can both laugh*
I hate it when after installing a new app, it automatically puts it on the home screen. Like no. You have to earn that place. Now sit back down.
Waiter: Dessert’s on me.
Me: *leaning close* Where on you, Jeremy?
Beauty & the Beast is my favorite movie because I like books & starting the day with a song about how my neighbors are idiots.
Me: ugh I HATE meeting new people
Midwife: Support his head
My husband just left town for a work trip. I didn’t want him to miss out on anything so I made him a mixtape of the kids whining.
When I see a self-help book at a secondhand store, I wonder…does that mean it worked, or it is bullshit?
when space aliens arrive and ask us to take them to our leader we should take them to the zoo and show them a flamingo
I finally learned to stop listening to the voices in my head when they told me to put pineapple on my pizza. Would have been a lot fewer burned buildings had they suggested that sooner.
I want my house to be tidy enough that if someone unexpectedly stops by, it doesn’t look like we’re seven hours in to battling a bear that broke in.
Vampire: I asked for stew and this is broth.
Waitress *lets out bloodcurdling scream*
Vampire: Thank you.
this was the best i’ve ever seen
The only way Congress will ever pass common sense gun control is if they’re threatened at gunpoint
I find that pregnant women stop asking me about my birthing story when I start describing the scene out of Alien
Wow, so it’s true… Toddlers in Tiaras is the prequel to 16 and Pregnant which is the Prequel to Intervention
“Sugar we’re going down swinging” used to be a cool song. Now it’s what happens when I bend over, braless, to pick up a floor doughnut.
Saw a friend really drunk last night so I took his car keys from him. Felt good, he was so drunk I doubt he remembers who stole his car
ever get so mad at your kids at walmart you grab a tennis racquet off the shelf and start spanking them with it before u realize u don’t have kids
Picture us, making love. Wrong. More cheese.
I consider sexual harrassmemt a compliment. I mean they only do it if your hot right?
Don’t EVER let anyone tell you you’re not worth anything. You can get at least ten grand for one of your kidneys.