olympic swim laps would get faster if they held swimming during winter olympics
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[infant diary]
Father has disappeared during a game of peek-a-boo. I fear the worst.
Stop saying “you can’t make this stuff up“. You can make anything up. Watch this: a breakdancing beaver wearing a top hat. A peanut butter and thumbtack sandwich. A baby doing calculus. It’s easy.
“Whatcha inventing?”
“I call it a picnic. It’s a meal but outside with bugs and a high risk of bear attack.”
“Can I bring my kids?”
“Sure.”
This pumpkin spice toilet paper seems unnecessary, but I’ll taste it nonetheless.
College is expensive, BUT your student ID saves $3 at the movies. So really it pays for itself if you go to the theater 30,000 times.
Radio Shack would have filed for bankruptcy years ago but they’ve been trying to do it using dial-up internet
Just realized “do not operate heavy equipment” is not even meant as a concern for your safety. Just their liability if you drive a combine thru a playground
Me: *shows up to a gala in my pajamas*
Host: That’s not what I meant by evening wear.
“would you still love me if i was a worm?” yes. more, in fact.
When everybody knows my name I’ll find a new place…
Oh my god
DATE: [whispering in my ear] i’ve got a secret
ME: [also whispering] is it tacos
DATE: [giggles] no
ME: can it be tacos
Your whole life changes when your older kid is finally old enough to babysit your younger kid.
My son’s default mode is “protester being dragged out of a political rally.”
Oh you’re a fan of egg whites? Name 3 of their albumens
He just always looks at me like I’ve wronged him
[doing group photography]
ME: now let me take one without the flash
THE FLASH: what the-
REST OF JUSTICE LEAGUE: wait let’s hear him out
Do I just say yes or do I make my group hate me before we even begin this project
Women would be all over Bruce Wayne if he showed them the bat cave, but when I say… “hey wanna check out this cave under my house?”…. I get karate chopped
Him: You okay?
Me eating a tube of cookie dough like a banana: Yeah, why?
why doesn’t every store have a lost spouse aisle??
One day, some dude was all “You know where we should save our money? Inside a statue of a pig,” and everybody went “That is a GREAT idea.”
I lost my virginity once and lemme tell you…
NEVER. AGAIN.
Fitness coach: have you been exercising & doing push-ups?
*Flashback to me running after the ice cream man & buying all the push-ups* “yes”
Her: You secretly think you’re the most clever one in the room, don’t you.
Me: Secretly? No.
Toronto Police have found a head, hands, and a foot in a river. There are no theories yet but the hokey pokey has not been ruled out.
windmills are bad bc they blow god further away from the planet, making it harder for him to hear our prayers
Wanna feel old? Helium formed for the first time 13.8 billions years ago.
I find it ironic that several times a day I have to let a computer know that I’M not a robot.
Get your employees to work harder by “accidentally” leaving articles on the printer about reducing staff.