[library]
hi do you have any books about when a guy is really mad at one specific whale
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I just made way too much pasta, so if you haven’t eaten dinner yet, swing by and watch me eat way too much pasta.
[during mosh]
me: excuse me, sorry, excuse me, im sorry, my fault, sorry
the twelve days of christmas is completely unrealistic there is no way that you’re still accepting gifts from someone after four days of birds
Werewolves, vampires, and zombies are always so hungry-desperate to bite people and turn them into companions.
Shout-out to witches for being cool about that shit.
Sorry, I didn’t mean to text you a graphic description of my explosive diarrhea. Stupid autocorrect.
Cats REALLY hate dryers.
However, Patches has Never looked this fluffy
I am not a pro at mind games, so I will be direct and ask, “are you or are you not going to offer me snacks?”
Yes, I’m English.
No, I can’t speak British to you.
No, I don’t know the Queen.
No, I don’t want a spot of tea.
Next time, I will just serve my guests pretty envelopes with the stories I’ve learned searching for a new recipe.
Interviewer: Your resume says that you’re good at multitasking
[me while painting nails]: Obvi
Interviewer: Please stop touching my nails
The dentist asked me what music I wanted to listen to during my root canal so I said “More Than A Filling.”
Don’t tell me a program may contain nudity. Tell me for sure so I don’t waste my time.
I like my women like I like my donuts: round and drowned in coffee.
My kids gave me a headache so I left them a scathing review on Glassdoor.
BATMAN: *struggling to escape from chains*
RIDDLER: Not so fast, Caped Crusader! You have to solve my riddle first! *sneaking a look at his son’s math textbook* If one train leaves Pittsburgh at 8am traveling at 65mph…
*first day as getaway driver
“I’m gonna make a Starbucks run while you’re in the bank. Who wants what?”
We’re going to the national aquarium tomorrow and we just learned they have a no stroller policy, “for safety.” When my 2yo attacks the sharks I expect they’ll change that policy
*dies and gets to hell*
I really thought I’d lived a good life.
*Satan shows me a video of that time I left a shopping cart in the middle of the parking lot at Target when the cart return was 10 feet away*
Oh yeah. Fair enough.
canadian assassins are called killergrams
paperclip: the staple for people with commitment issues.
[mini golfing]
CADDIE: for the 12th hole in a row, ur putter sir
ME: thank u
DATE: why did u bring a caddie
I’m honestly counting down the days until my kids are old enough to watch Jaws, and I can tell them, “They filmed this movie where we vacation every summer. It’s a documentary.”
*stops next to punks at red light*
*stares them down, turns up The Walking Dead opening music*
*light turns green, slowly accelerates*
going to office: late
.
going to a doctors appointment: late
.
going to a friends house: late
.
going to a concert: 8 hours early
My left earbud kept shocking me during my last zoom meeting. Can wifi be haunted
me at 26: i am a hideous troll
me at 28: *looking at a picture of myself at 26* wow what beauty i once possessed but i wasted it because now i am a hideous troll
me at 30: *looking at a picture of myself at 28* guys, you’re not gonna believe this,
GUY: Hey, hold the elevator!
ME: *laughs to myself as I don’t hold the elevator* It’s the little things that make life worth living.*12 hours later*
GUY: *who is apparently building maintenance* I was trying to warn you it was broken.
I didn’t see a single avenger die when Obama was president
Her, 6: I have a secret
Me: What is it?
Her: I’m not gonna tell you… but it’s about a marker
Me: Oh no
Her: yeeeah