First day of school
Kid 1: I want my mumma *waaah waaah*Kid 2: I wanaa go home *waaaah waaah*
My kid: Teacher do you poop?
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When you’re Godzilla every city is a walkable city
Dad: *getting grill ready* I need some lighter fluid
Me: *ties a balloon to his drink*
Dad: *sniff* I’m so proud of you
[to baby crying for 45 mins]
WHY ARE YOU CRYING YOU LIVE HERE FOR FREE
INTERVIEWER: describe yourself with one adjective
ME: [from left side of room] pendulous
INTERVIEWER: huh?
ME: [from right side of room] you heard me
My life is a constant battle between wanting to correct grammar and wanting to have friends.
“This isn’t working out,” I insist to my girlfriend as we glide effortlessly downhill on her tandem bicycle.
A safe deposit box full of whoopee cushions and rubber chickens may not appreciate in value but it may provide a much needed moment of levity during a really tense bank robbery.
UK, 2019 – “FREE BROADBAND FOR ALL”
UK, 2020 –
so weird how every mom was born today
Sometimes I think my toddlers are smart
Other times they throw tantrums because they get their fingers stuck
In their other hand
told my therapist i was hesitant to start antidepressants bc of the sexual side effects and she said “do you even have enough sex for that to matter” and long story short im currently headed to walgreens to refill my prescription
If we put headlamps on the squirrels that live in our trees, we don’t even need a strobe light for our backyard dance party. Just something to consider.
me: [playing musical chairs]
wife: have you tried learning an actual instrument?
Find someone who looks at you,
I think that’s a pretty good start.
What are you gonna argue about with your family this Thanksgiving?
1. Minimum wage
2. Police reform
3. Why are there raisins in this, Louise
Dancing naked and the neighbors saw me.
I’ve dated a vegetarian, trust me, they put meat in their mouth.
Inflation has drastically altered what it means to say “I just ate $25 worth of Taco Bell”
Waiting for Bernie Sanders to come out from under the ring and hitting someone with a steel chair to claim the presidential belt.
Fun Fact:
Organic milk only comes from cows that do yoga and moo about being a vegetarian or marathons they were in.
BANK ROBBER: ok hands in the air. nobody move. slide to the left. slide to the right. take it back now y’all. one hop this time
i am fine with my casket + dead body being dug up by grave robbers as long as they do it in the style of an unboxing video
I’ll date any guy that can digest a seagull faster than me.
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger, except for bears, bears will kill you.
Capitalist: Hi
Anti-Capitalist: hi
Battery falling down a hole
Sorry I lied about knowing how to play the piano. What’s that? Yes, I agree it made the funeral uncomfortable.
*Addressing the crowd that just watched me take 23 moves to park my truck*
ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?!
*pulls the pin on a can of Axe body spray*
*lobs it into your open car window as you drive by*