My kids are fighting over which chores they want to do and this is one fight that I’m not breaking up.
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[HS reunion]
FRIEND: Heard from Billy Adent? He vanished after grade school. Do you know if he moved?
ME: [flashback to not unfreezing him during freeze tag because he said I smelled like milk] HE BETTER NOT HAVE!
Occam’s razor: the simplest answer is most often correct
Occam’s toothbrush: show off
WOMAN NAMED CATHY: my name is cathy
ME: ah yes short for catheter i presume
Just saw my evil doppelganger speed away in a DeLorean. I’m sure it’s fine
police: put ur hands behind ur back
me: are u mad at me
[At a child’s birthday party, holding a poorly taxidermied possum]
I heard someone likes stuffed animals!
You let a man into your life and now you’re irritated before 9 am
Priest: Don’t chew gum in church.
Me: If I don’t, I’ll have bad breath when I talk to God.
Priest:
Me: It’s your fault if I go to hell.
If you’re ever bored in a taxi I recommend mouthing, “Help Me” to strangers and watching their facial expressions
Me: Bless you honey
4yo: Daddy I didn’t sneeze I coughed
Me: Well bless you anyway
4yo: NO
Me: they call me Fred Flintstone
Her: *annoyed* because you can make my bed rock?
Me: because you’re gonna turn me down and I’ll have to yabba dabba do it myself
“We will wed,” I threatened
Don’t touch the door handles
Don’t touch the light switches
Don’t touch the bedspread
Don’t touch the remote control-me, in this hotel room
Some days driving is like Russian roulette, but with squirrels.
I have very conflicting feelings about getting murdered because on one hand I’d be dead but on the other hand I’d be making sure female podcasters had content and I love women supporting women
MY ANCESTOR: [running full speed through a field to avoid a lion]
ME: [in an air conditioned gym realizing i forgot my earbuds] no way i can run like this
[NYE]
ME: *wearing 2017 glasses*
OPTOMETRIST: *rubbing his temples* Stephanie your eyesight may be bad but you really only need one pair
[shaving legs] hang on, these aren’t mine
Just pulled my classic move of not replying to a text immediately to avoid looking desperate and the forgetting to ever reply to it, making me look unreliable instead.
My 6yo is chanting all the words that rhyme with sucker and this is going to end badly in about 3 seconds
ME: There are 18 sheep.
RANCHER: Round ‘em up!
ME: There are 20 sheep.
Me not wearing a bra is apparently a bat signal for anyone in the neighborhood who might need to come to my door for any reason .
“I know you! You were one of the bad guys in Titanic!” I yelled at the ocean, who ignored me like most celebrities.
Enters supermarket with a long list.
Exits with a six pack and rotisserie chicken.
[sips martini] *sigh* [sips margarita] Now THIS ONE is delicious!
Waiter: Ma’am, you can’t try drinks on other tables. Please sit down.
MTV is shutting down, which really doesn’t affect me much now, but my teenage self is completely devastated.
CAMEL 1: Hey can u hold this for me for one sec?
CAMEL 2: I would but I kinda have a lot on my back right now..
CAMEL 1: It’s one straw Marvin don’t be like that