ME[David Attenborough voice] Starting with the outer layers he’ll devour the entire carcass
HER: are you narrating yourself eating lasagna?
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The Grammy performers prove that no matter age, sex, race, religion or looks, I have no idea who most them are.
We do this thing at my house where somebody puts an empty pizza box on top of the trash can and then someone else puts trash on top of that and then another person puts trash on top of that and suddenly we’re all playing jenga in reverse
“Oh wow, I don’t even recognize myself!”
-Lois Lane getting fitted for glasses
My wife just gave me an ultimatum, it’s either her or Twitter.
So, sadly this will be my last tweet, where I mention having a wife.
[twirling my bra above my head like a helicopter and it gets stuck on the ceiling fan, im launched thru window into neighbors yard]
me: hey
Forget what you’re wearing, the song stuck in your head when you die is the song stuck in your ghost’s head for eternity
If I had a parrot I’d teach it to say “I know where they buried the bodies”
*at Thanksgiving dinner*
Me: One of you is eating poison green bean casserole.Everyone: *gasp*
Me: Just kidding you all are.
Just learned an important lesson: When texting “wish you were here,” that last e kind of makes it or breaks it.
Tree: Bark
Dog: {leaves}
Just found out my old gym is a 5 Guys now
Renewed my membership this morning
Making homemade peanut butter isn’t as hard as people make it out to be if you just pre-chew the peanuts first.
For more helpful cooking tips follow my blog “Tell Me She didn’t Really Just Do That”.
Sure kids are great but have you tried sleep?
Whenever my daughter starts a sentence with “I saw this Tik Tok that said…”, I know I’m in for some sound advice
Putting a carrot next to you in bed can almost fill the space where Megan used to slep
My 6yo thinks the Starbucks mermaid has two fish tails for her arms and now I can’t unsee it
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
Microsoft Word is the most sensitive thing ever. You move something half an inch and all the pictures move, 3 new pages inserted, fire alarm goes, thunder and lightning, volcano erupts, stock market collapses
neil armstrong: i’ll take that for you
neil armweak: can you carry this?
If you get caught about to eat food off the floor, just pretend you lost your contact.
Sometimes I am proud of my mistakes, sometimes I am ashamed.
My kids: We have NAMES, Dad!
God created childbirth so women could know how men feel when we have a cold.
Server: I’m sorry sir, we don’t have olives.
Me: I think there has been a misunderstanding. The name of this establishment implies there would be olives in droves. An incomprehensible abundance.
Server: I’m sure you’ll enjoy our pasta selectio-
Me: Is this even a garden??
I’d rather be an outlaw than an in-law.
Did I just trip in public? Yes. Do I even care that a bunch of people saw me? Also yes.
You guys, I just submitted a tweet to Twitter, and they accepted it and put it on their website!
girlfriend: is crying
me, an empath: im sensing that you want me to go play playstation for a while
Go ahead and assume it’s a banana;
I’m rarely that happy to see anyone.
you can never lose a homing pigeon. If your homing pigeon doesnt come back, what you lost was a normal pigeon.
3yo: I don’t wanna go to sleep
Me: your body needs sleep to grow
3yo: but I’m already growed
Me: how do you think I got so big
3yo: by eating
Me: