Turning on a guy is like flipping a light switch. Turning on a woman is like wiring that switch & then building a nuclear plant to power it.
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If you are ever being attacked by a bear, be really mean to it. Just say some really messed up stuff about it. You’ll still die but that bear will be self-conscious from then on
Thought it was real sweet that my daughter (5) gave me a hug in the store until I realized she was trying to steal my credit card.
Sitting outside in the dark on the swing and some drunk guy coming from the neighbor’s party is pissing on the tree in front of the house.
I coughed and I heard his pee stop.
People who live in glass houses must have to clean up a lot of dead birds.
Son: Dad, I’m so excited. I got a B in spelling!
Dad: That’s a D, moron.
How can you have beef with Keanu…it’s like hating a rainbow
I have 15,000 pencils, but I don’t remember buying any. Also, I don’t have a pencil sharpener, so none of them work.
* eats all the leftover pie I can’t fit in the fridge.
* starts “Practical Solutions” YouTube channel.
“Hi, my name is Gary and I’m a shopaholic, my favorite place to shop is the alcohol store.”
*puts sriracha on a kangaroo*
HOT POCKET
Her ~ That smells expensive what is it?
Me ~ Kerosene…
Genie: I grant you three wishes.
Bob: I want to be rich.
Genie: Granted.
Rich: I want a lot of money.
Friend: Wow, you’ve been happily married for 25 years?! What is your secret?
Me: He travels, A LOT.
I don’t think AI should be used to make content…BUT…if there were a way for the paw patrol to tell my son by name that if he doesn’t go to bed they will arrest him…
my 8yr old daughter has to touch 3 cats before she can do anything.
we only have two cats.
My nine year old stayed home with me today. The time is 11:30 am.
She has spoken more words today than I did in December.
met a guy in the produce section, but once i saw his super healthy cart i said Kale No
The most exercise I get is trying to keep my flip flops on while walking.
Why do the French eat snails?
Because they don’t like fast food.
i love driving becuase it combines my love of sitting with my love of being mad
Why is it when someone asks if you’ve lost weight you immediately feel like eating a dozen donuts to celebrate.
Snow white: it’s really starting to get dark in the forest & I’m gettting scared!
Huntsman: How do you think I feel! I’ve gotta find my way back on my own.
BRAAAAAIDS
-zombie sleepover
Bruce Willis reaches for his iPhone but accidentally grabs his iPad and screams because he thinks he’s shrunk
I sure talked a lot of shit about my mom’s bathrobe for someone who now wears one around the house like Snape storming through Hogwarts
can’t see: birdbox
can’t talk: a quiet place
can’t touch: this
“I don’t understand why people try to act drunk. I spend most of my time trying to act sober.” – Florida State
Dog: When are we going for a walk?
Me: Just let me finish my sandwich*Dog steals and eats my sandwich
Dog: Okay, I’m ready
Now that Fox News is 18 can we send it to Iraq?
Do you think in a parallel universe they just call it parking?