Denmark has a new king and queen we should attack at dawn
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There is no bond greater than the one between a Tupperware container and marinara sauce
[me narrating a documentary about the pyramids]
I really want a Toblerone for some reason.
My kid at 8am: Mommy!
Me: Yes, my love?My kid at 8pm: Mommy!
Me: WHAAATTTTTTTTTTTTTT NOWWWWW?!
ME: Can you call me when you get home later so I know you’re okay
TAXI DRIVER: Again, no
Who exactly is this sign for?
Do they think we’re bringing our own geese?
The fastest way to get your kids to shut up is to ask them a question you want answered.
Judging by all the cracking and popping noises my body makes when I work out, I’d say I’m about 74% Rice Krispies.
I’d like to visit the Grand Canyon again, but this time – there’s no way I’m going down on a donkey
If by ‘paleontologist’ you mean I can name all 5 shapes in the box of dinosaur chicken nuggets then, yes, I am a paleontologist.
Dog pissed about wearing cone after surgery. Dog spends night banging cone against walls, keeping human awake.
Dog-1
Human-0
I don’t know why HR tell me I’m not allowed to use the fire extinguisher unless there’s a fire, then get cranky when I start one.
I can’t wait for my grandma to ask me repeatedly why I don’t have a boyfriend “because I’m such a pretty girl”.
I’m a psycho, grandma.
“my dad works at Nintendo”
“No he doesn’t ur such a liar”
*Donkey Kong walks in & takes off his hat & coat*
“Hey sport, good day at school?”
When gathering all the laundry I tend to find other items that have been missing for a while.
I just don’t remember how this frying pan got in between the couch cushions.
I walk around in public saying “wait for me guys” so everyone thinks I have friends.
Me: *sleeps through an earthquake*
Husband: *gently moves his foot in bed*
Me: Are you going to keep me up all night?
Men are really out here thinking that a hike is a good first date. Sir that’s a last date. That’s how people get murdered.
[meeting with financial advisor] ok so how does money work
cashier: would you like a receipt?
me: . o O (if someone is being murdered right now it would be my alibi but if someone gets murdered in the store they could pin it on me)
cashier: well?
me: I want to talk to a lawyer
People who call themselves “grammar Nazis” deserve the worst possible sentence.
Why did the chicken go to the gym?
To work on his pecks.
All my passwords are protected … by my poor memory.
FYI –
Lisa on FB has cramps but is still going to yoga.I’ll keep you all posted.
Dog The Bounty Hunter’s greatest weakness is getting distracted when the fugitive throws a tennis ball.
me: “i have designed the world’s first electric car specifically for owls”
reporter: “owls? is it popular?”
me: “it’s turning heads”
The weird similarities between gold nuggets and chicken nuggets
– come from a pan
– golden color
– get stuck in my throat when I swallow them whole
As a man of means, I eat expensive beans.
As a man of class, I blame dogs for the gas.
As a man of men, I eat the beans again…
Therapist: So what are your coping mechanisms?
Me: I blame astrology for all of my problems in life instead of taking any responsibility.
Therapist: That’s not very healthy…
Me: Well, I’m an Aries, so 🤷♀️
My son didn’t think it was funny when I told him go “go forth and multiply” before his math exam.
Bought two shirts at Kohl’s and according to their calculations I saved $2,750.