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Leo: *names his child Oscar*
Doctor: “Would you like to hol-”
Leo: “Say it like we rehearsed it.”
Doctor: *sighs* “And the Oscar goes to…”
My daughter’s boyfriend left his wallet here. I put girls names & numbers in it. Later today I’ll ask my daughter if he has change for a $20
me as a kid: that microwave in spy kids where you can make instant mcdonalds is my dream come true
me now as an adult: that microwave in spy kids where you can make instant mcdonalds is my dream come true
So not only is it the 4th of July and apparently the house behind me is a fireworks warehouse but the new neighbors across the street have a garage band. 馃槙
Running from your problems is cardio .
Boss: Why weren’t you at work last week?
Me: Why are you living in the past?
Me: *sends myself a reminder text about an appointment*
Phone: *ding*
Me: Ooh, who鈥檚 texting me?
The bank wouldn’t cash my huge check so I am using it as shelter from the elements until I figure out how to get up the beanstalk to the giant teller window
If by axe throwing, you mean throw all of my son’s body spray in the trash because he uses it so much, then yes I’ll go axe throwing with you.
Is age 14 too old to leave your kid on a doorstep?
Husband: Come on baby, do that thing that I love.
Me: *stuffs an entire jelly doughnut into my mouth*
When I’m older I want to be that guy in the park just shouting random advice like ‘make sure it TOUCHES THE EDGES!’
ME: OMG I love quizzes. Next question!
DETECTIVE: Where were you the night of murder?
Love the deli paper on the doctor鈥檚 table. Mmm I鈥檓 a sick little sandwich
Friend: I grew as a person
Me: Did you molt?
Friend: What?
Me: Is there a dried out slightly smaller husk of you in the basement?
Friend:
Me: Can I see it?
Me: Would you bring me the mattress cover off your bed?
Son: *looks puzzled* The what?
Me: The mattress cover. The quilted looking sheet.
Son:
Me: The final boss sheet at the bottom.
Son: Oh that.
My grandmother’s name is so Italian you need both hands to pronounce it.
For the umpteenth time- no, I can鈥檛 count
The opposite of goth is stopth.
*watching my wife’s bra moving up and down on the floor by itself*
ME: Hon, wtf?
HER: push up bra
How to dress when you are a woman over forty:
1. Be a woman over forty
2. Put your clothes on
See if your child has learnt any swear words yet, by turning the wifi off while they’re playing minecraft.
If someone tells you pick a card, any card take their Visa.
200 Catholics, one cup. -Mass
While taking a nap with my daughter, my 4 year old son creeps into my bed, fiddles with my bra hooks for 5 minutes, then gives up and passes out snoring next to me. No need for a paternity test, he鈥檚 definitely my husband鈥檚 son.
At what point do we just ask Britney鈥檚 dad to do a conservatorship for Kanye?
You can鈥檛 stop your dogs from barking by yelling at them. They鈥檙e just like hell yes we鈥檙e all yelling now let鈥檚 all keep yelling this is great
Stole my neighbors family portrait & got it tattooed on my back. Now I’m standing in their living room facing the wall 2 see if they notice.
There’s no suspense in Young Sheldon. You know he’s not going to die
The pizza delivery guys say “see you tomorrow” to everyone, right?