Forced to use Axe Shampoo & Conditioner this morning and now my hair is high fiving people and calling them Braaaah.
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The Story of Volcanos
God: Ok, how about a mountain..
Angel: We got mountains.
God: Lemme finish. That shits fire.
Angel: Metal.
*fist bump*
You may not like the word “moist” but the alternative is “endampened” and I’ll not have endampened cake.
Welcome to working from home. Something is now always being sawed, mowed, or jackhammered at your neighbor’s house.
I just know Amazon drivers be like.. THIS HOUSE AGAIN ???
There is safety in numbers, “TWENTY SIX” I yell at my burglar.
Beware…..
Hubs and I have fought so much lately I’ve lost 10 lbs. I thought about leaving him, but I’d like to lose another 10 lbs first.
I’ll be with you every day, always and forever.
Me: you are laundry, stop talking
Journalist: what are your thoughts on the arms race?
Me: I strongly believe that races should be done with legs
Nothing says “thought of you, and masturbated” like ‘liking’ a girl’s Facebook photo from 2009.
just took a call from a patient whose bday was 04/20/1969 and had him repeat it to me 3 times
[Person who spends 20 hours per week in the gym]
“The trick is to drink 8 glasses of water a day.”
I’m sorry we fought. I hate it when you’re wrong.
If an Elvis impersonator dies, doesn’t he kind of become the best Elvis impersonator
I said I was thinking about you. I left out the part with the wood chipper.
My gf thought it was so cute when she found out I owned a pair of tap shoes
Until I got drunk, and put them on
If your therapist thinks your alien abduction stories make you sound delusional, just wait till they hear about your TC.
My kid woke me up at 3AM to tell me there’s a monster in her bed and I just can’t wait to tell my wife what my kid called her.
I get it crossfitters, if I did that I’d be angry, too.
My 17yo son made me do 40 seconds of star jumps in the garden to help me ‘keep fit’.
In return I made him no dinner to help him ‘keep slim’.
if three separate women were faking covid test results in order not to date me, i would simply not tell that fact to the new york times
When people ask What Would Jesus Do, I remember how he hid in that cave for 3 days after people were so mean to him.
That’s more my speed.
If we put aside our differences and work together, I truly believe we can come up with a few more alternate spellings of the name Britney.
“Hi, I’m Rob Thomas for the Organ Donor Association. Give me your heart, make it real or else forget about it.”
The loudest noise a child can make from another room is silence
My hot flashes are so bad, I can defrost the freezer in the time it takes to choose a popsicle.
[going to bed]
Wife: I don’t have to get up so don’t wake me in the morning.
Me: Okay.[5 AM the next morning]
Me [waking wife up]: Hey I forget what you told me to do today.
sandra bullock is a menace oh my god 😭
[sitting on my couch eating matzah slathered in Nutella, watching Masterchef] wow I can’t believe he didn’t bake his cheesecake in a water bath
*buys a 3D printer*
*prints a 3D printer*
*returns 3D printer for a refund*