Just found a tiny box full of kids teeth hidden under my sink…dear god I hope these are from my children
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Welcome to your 50’s, your knees will now decide when you will sit down.
Wonder why we didn’t get blimp sky view coverage of game.
FBI: oops wrong one
“get a dog” they said
“it’ll be fun” they said
yeah right, you try explaining to the neighbours about the remains of the 17 ex-lovers it just dug up from your back yard
I hate what you’ve done with the place.
You look like the kind of person who touches garden gnomes appropriately.
I flunked out of flight attendant school.
I was told to disarm the doors, so I said they looked fabulous and were clearly going places.
Me: Why is Amazon showing me this?
Amazon: It’s 15% off.
Me: Well, in that case…
this is why you should always wash behind your ears
you begin to tell your eye doctor that you’ve been seeing “floaters” when he gets a strange look on his face and begins to rise
Autocorrect changed “you flatter me” to “you flatten me” and shit just got really weird.
Just took my 8,647th accidental screenshot of my lock screen while putting my phone in my pocket
Toilet paper has a lot of other uses!
Your baby? Boom. It’s a mummy.
Your dog? Boom. Mummydog.
This lamp? Boom. Your living room is on fire.
We now return to ‘CANADIAN SNIPER’
*canadian sniper shoots an enemy*
*canadian sniper yells ‘sorry’ from far away*
Welcome to our nearly empty restaurant. Please follow me to our worst table.
My favorite people are the ones that like to pass judgement on others because they have obviously lead a perfect life
Men: “once you get married you never get any sex”.
[wife walks around the house completely naked]
Every man: *continues to be completely hypnotized by whatever sports game is on*
Waitress: Is everything ok?
Me: WHAT HAVE YOU HEARD?
I just referred to tongs as ‘food tweezers’ in case you want to be in awe of my command of the English language.
Me at 12: I can’t wait to be an adult so I can buy whatever I want with my money.
Me at 36: If I wait until it goes on sale and use my coupon, I can buy scented trash bags.
Marriage Counselor: Maybe you should change your responses to the things your wife says.
Me: Fine, I can do that.*two days later*
Her: Do these jeans make me look fat?
Me: Yep.
Person with an intense headache: migraines are terrible
Unsuccessful wheat farmer: mine too
Don’t trust anyone who wants to “get you out of your comfort zone.” Why would you ever want to leave something called a comfort zone?!
My son was invited over 2 different friend’s houses for a sleepover and he picked the friend that has a whole drawer in the fridge dedicated to just cheese and I’m wondering how to get invited over for a sleepover
Just told my dog to say goodnight to his brother, the houseplant
Until zoom life I had no idea how many people dig in their ear.
My toxic trait is that if you see me naked, that girl from the ring murders you in 7 days
If you’re wondering how punctuation can be used to create suspense,
My daughter refuses to play with her Ouija Board anymore because every time we play, it spells out CLEAN YOUR ROOM.
Best part of being married is blaming your partner for shrinking something in the dryer because you’re getting fat & it doesn’t fit anymore.