Got caught by three red lights on my way home and now my avocados are bad
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2020: Soooo, you’re feeling pretty good today, huh? Enjoying some down time?
Me: Yeeeaaahhh….why?
2020: How’s your back?
Me: Damn it!
2020: *teehee*
Teacher “Hi, why are you here?”
Me “Um, isn’t this the beginners’ philosophy class?”
Teacher “Yes and you’re off to a really bad start.”
Oops, I “accidentally” left my in-laws at the grocery store. Darn. I guess I’ll just have to get them Monday on the way back to the airport.
My good tweets are in my other pants.
Me: [being murdered]
Murderer: Ok you have got to stop smiling. It’s really starting to creep me out.
i know it’s been said a billion times but literally everything about Brendan Fraser is fantastic
“Dumb as a bag of hammers” is kind of a stupid comparison because it’s actually quite a clever way to carry several hammers at once.
Gang tip: If a rival gang tags their symbol on your turf, don’t cover it. Add a drawing of Calvin peeing on it.
Now who’s stupid? They are!
Apparently “You should Google it” isn’t the best response when she asks how much do you love me?
Sigh, women are so demanding..
My trainer told me to get on all fours and I got excited until she said now do tricep extensions.
The date was going really well until he told me to stop calling it Pasghetti.
Windbreakers only want one thing and it’s dis-gusting
axl rose is morphing more and more into elon musk and i am uncomfortable
How does Super Mario contact his dead brother?
Using a Luigi board!
Don’t we all get absurdly territorial when a spider spins a web in that special corner of the house where we would have built our cocoon if humans did that?
Farts are like children. The only ones that I like are my own.
Why are they called “nuns” when chickmonks was sitting right there?
Me: *flirts*
Anyone watching:
Overheard
Woman in convenience store to her boyfriend: If you really loved me, you’d buy me a lemur.
[calls home]
son: hello
me: hi, put mom on the phone
son: I can’t
me: why
son: she’s too heavy
scarlet joe hanson sounds like an old timey boxer’s name. “weighin’ in at 182 lbs, 5’9″, the ol’ black widow, scarlet jooooooe hansen!”
Dad: You spent $750 for a college class on human anatomy? Do you think we’re MADE OF MONEY??
Me: Not anymore
“Notice the way he uses colors.”
“How??”
me: I miss handshakes
cannibal: have mine I’m not thirsty
Hello, I’m a professor in a movie, I only reach the main point of my lecture right as class is ending. Then I yell at students about the reading / homework as they leave.
Every person over 50, every Autumn: It sure is a pretty Fall this year, although not as pretty as last year.
Why was the picture sent to prison?
It was framed.
the hardest part of your wife going into labor is everyone interrupts the movie by asking questions
me: [sets to bed time reminders on my Fitbit to be responsible]
Later that night
Fitbit: time for bed
me: DON’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO
Million dollar idea: Dating website for leopards called Connect the Dots