Driving past a cop car with its lights on: Boys, the police are here. They heard about you!
My son whispers to his brother, “I was never here.”
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me: *excitedly* this is my first time taking a train
conductor: *sprinting* GIVE IT BACK
Things I’ve Said On The Phone This Week
“Sorry. I’m heavy-breathing because I’m trying to stake a canopy”
“The shell of a turtle is basically the turtle’s rib cage. A turtle cannot be dragged out of its shell.”
“Please. Don’t ask questions. Just take some zucchini.”
Satan giving a tour of hell: “Over there we have people who make that sound when they chew gum and idiots who use hashtags on Facebook.”
The government be like “please throw your grandma into an active volcano, the economy demands a sacrifice”
Thank you, Internet.
Thank you.
Spanish people feed their horses hay, but the naughty ones get George.
Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.
The best place to get pumpkins cheap is driving around the neighborhood at 4AM. Got 5 nice ones this morning.
you idiots wanna bring back the 90s but I haven’t seen a single zigzag part in anybody’s hair
Sorry I’m late, there was a dad yelling at his teenage son for buying $90 jeans and I had to hear every word of it.
Welcome to “I HEARD THE CAT PUKE BUT DON’T KNOW WHERE” the game where your eyes try to find it before your feet do.
Women love to say “sexy AF”
or “hot AF” on Twitter ….If I’d known being in the Air Force
was that hot…I’d have stayed in !
I’d run away but I’ve got too many clothes.
Just ate a burrito the size of a baby *coughs up pacifier*
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When she rips his shirt open in the movies, it’s sexy and romantic. But when I try it, he’s all “Your Pap smear is normal, but please don’t do that with your toes every time”.
Wife: I can’t find my phone
Me: Want me to call it?
Wife: Sure, I –
Me: PHONE, HERE BOY
“Barista” is Italian for BA in liberal arts.
“HEY ATHLETES WITHOUT MONEY FOR TRAINING FACILITIES OR PROPER UNIFORMS, Y U NO WIN GOLD MEDALS?” – Indians
The pond is silent. No one has come to feed us bread in a week. Slowly we gather our nerve and begin to wander from the pond. The world is quiet. Empty. We waddle through the streets, unhindered, unchallenged.
Duck World – coming to Netflix this summer
[after the thousandth time making a mess while cooking eggs]
ME: there’s gotta be a better way!
WIFE: *hands me a pan* stop using the toaster dumbass
5yo and her friend just ended an argument by deciding they would “have a piece of cheese and calm down”
So, yeah, she’s mine.
ME: I shot a man in Reno just to watch him die
MY LAWYER: would you please stop saying that
If pi is 3.14, then i think .99 is a good deal for 2 doughnuts.
Me, as a vampire: Tell me, mortal…have you eaten anything spicy in the last 24 hours?
I’ve always wondered if my toddler liked me or my husband better.
But I just heard her say, “Oh shit, Daddy’s home” so at least I know she’s on my side.
Spices were first brought to Europe in the Middle Ages, and some of them are still at the back of my cupboard.
ME: do dogs think we have three mouths because we pick stuff up with our hands?
VET: where exactly is your dog
ME: he’s uh coming later
toddler [getting ready to jump off the bed]
wife: Do something
me *takes phone out to record it*
wife: Do something else