ME: [deep in thought] it’s just so scary, u know?
HER: what is, life?
ME: [imagining an octopus holding 8 samurai swords] yes. Life.
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Funny how strangers who ask you to take a photo of them are always disappointed by your shots, as if they expect to find Yousuf Karsh leaving a 7-Eleven.
Everyone who lined up 30 minutes early to board the plane is gonna be so mad when we all land at the same time.
“You run like you’re making fun of running.” -my brother
Sugar in the bloodstream, I’m the world’s problem now.
My daughter, filling out a college app, called me at home to get my home number. Big shout out to the ex-wife for pissing in my gene pool.
Me, looking at Met Gala outfits: But how do they go to the bathroom in that?
*Attempts to use ‘I have a boyfriend’ meme*
Meme: I have a boyfriend.
The first sign of a serial killer is when a kid draws a Sun but it’s not wearing sunglasses
i don’t think it’ll all fit in there
The irony of my 12-year-old son pointing out that there is a spot on his cutlery while he hasn’t showered in a week is delicious.
I’m glad that Costco checks receipts when you leave because I don’t want to live in a world where someone gets away with stealing 1500 Ritz crackers
#ChangeAConsonantSpoilAMovie
Snapes On A Plane
“Neighbor”- person next door
“Neigh! Brrrr!!” – cold horse 🙁
[samurai kindergarten]
Sensei: CHILDREN! We do not hit each other. What do we do?
Kids: *in unison* We use our swords.
I saved a ton of money on cool sports cars, vacation getaways and NFL season tickets by having children.
A marinara trench sounds nice tbh
Me: I spy with my little eye something beginning with i
Other Titanic lookout: hmmm
… and be generous with the lollipops
– me holding up a bank
I always wonder what the nurses reaction was like after I leave a half eaten sandwich in a coma patients hand.
Putting a little orange juice on my hands before I go to the butterfly pavilion so people think I have a special gift
king kong winces in agony after stepping on a lego store
People say you have to study Shakespeare in school, but Shakespeare never studied Shakespeare and look at him. He became Shakespeare.
Cop: license and registration
Me: that won’t be necessary officer
*places a glazed donut in his pocket
3 am phone call, “Hey, are you asleep?” Nope, Im skydiving.
My friend was complaining that when her husband gets dressed, he does sock, shoe, sock, shoe. What a weirdo! Everyone knows it’s sock, sock, shoe, shoe, pants.
The number of things that are *not* rocket science is staggering.
Do you know who REALLY gets irony?
Skydiving schools.
Cuz you gotta drop out to graduate!
*releases mic to float down on tiny parachute*
“Friends” ended 10 years ago today, but thanks to television, “me having friends” ended long before that.
“911, What’s your emergency?”
I… I shot him
“Shot who sir?”
He said the Beatles suck
“Is he alive?”
Yes
“Try holding a pillow over his face”