Superman hides his identity w/ glasses & a side part. I wear a quilt w/ eye holes & it’s still “Lisa, you’ve been banned from this Wendy’s”.
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I was lifeguarding and a little boy threw his ball out of the water and his mom goes “maybe if you ask the pretty lifeguard she will grab the ball for you!” This kid looked me dead in the eye and goes “…..where’s the pretty one?” KIDS ARE RUTHLESS LMAO
If I were a serial killer, I’d hide the bodies of my victims in a cave that I’d affectionately call “The cadavern”.
Be the change you’re looking for
between the couch cushions.
I’ve been calling my kids children of the corn for so long my daughter just called me mom of the corn and I’m fine with it.
like idgaf i’ll tell you goodnight at 3pm if you piss me off.
Ex-wife died in a car wreck yesterday. Didn’t send flowers, thought might be weird to the family. That and didnt know other drivers address.
Date: “So, what do you want to be?”
Me: “Impressed.”
Imagine falling for someone then finding out they drink their coffee one spoonful at a time like soup.
Me – That’s the second First Baptist Church I’ve seen today.
Wife – OK?
M – One of them is lying.
W – You can’t ever shut it off can you?
Your Scooby Doo Villain Name is “old” plus your gender plus your last name.
just read an article that said stray dogs will “elect” the cute dogs in the group to approach ppl cause they come back with more food. u little shits think u can manipulate me well u absolutely can here have my entire lunch
Me: This week was long as shit, I’m exhausted, I have nothing to tweet.
*one minute after turning out light*
My brain: The fictional reality the super-rich have created for themselves is the Yacht Matrix.
I can’t deal with men any longer
ME: *rolls up sleeves* time to fix the sink
WIFE: *rolling her sleeves back down* what is wrong with you just fix it
wife: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i speak so quietly?
wife: well you could at least say something
I hate when I order too large a portion of ribs that it tips my car over and my modern stone age family has to get back home on foot.
If I chase you, it’s definitely with a flamethrower.
Wife: an asteroid is on it’s way!
Hubby: Did you order that from Amazon too?
4 out of 5 dentists agree: kill a lion.
TRUMP: I’m gonna lose, huh?
RYAN: Yes.
[silence]
TRUMP: Thank God.
RYAN: I know
TRUMP: I’d be SO bad at it
RYAN: We literally all might die
Never snuggle your cat right after applying facial moisturizer. I know that now.
I don’t like to brag about my cat-like reflexes.
That said, could someone please call for help?
I got startled and am stuck in a tree.
ME: did I remember to take my antidepressants this morning?
BRAIN: does it matter? Does anything matter? Aren’t we all just insignificant threads in the tapestry of life
ME: …so that’s a no
age 20: I was in a car accident, my ride is totaled. I won’t be into work until after lunch
age 40: I did something to my back brushing my teeth, I need to lie down for 3 weeks
[immortal aliens studying us]
After about 80 years, they enter a larval stage and lie dormant underground. We don’t know what happens next.
Pelican trying to eat a capybara.. 😅
The fact touche and douche don’t rhyme bothers me.
Important question of the day:
Are centaurs technically insects?
They’ve got a sort of segmented body and have six limbs so…
His and her closets is code for “she gets two closets.”