I love crunchy peanut butter because one day someone just did a half @$$ed job and convinced people it was on purpose
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It’s called crossfit because you’re really mad that you’re doing it
I wanted a 6 pack, so I started Hip Hop abs.
Quit 1/3 of the way through.
Ended up with a 2Pac.
What is a magic bullet?
A. A theory about the assassination of Kennedy.
B. A fancy blender
C. A fancy blender that assassinated Kennedy
Don’t be alarmed when you’re knocking on the Gates of hell and the devil doesn’t answer….He is dealing with me.
Revenge is a dish best served cold. Unless revenge is a meatloaf. That you should heat in the oven for forty-five minutes at 350 degrees.
Fun fact: if you play Hotel California backwards, and slowed down 30bpm, there’s a fantastic hidden quiche recipe
Soo… I guess when he asked for my number he didn’t mean how many lovers I’ve had?
Ambien is not the answer, unless your neighbor questions why you were sleeping on their couch and where did their cheesecake go.
[seaworld]
“Hey what happened to the new guy?”
-He tried to have sex with
the dolphin in tank 6“But there’s a shark in tan..”
-BINGO!
Just because I choose not to drink doesn’t automatically make me no fun. That is a separate choice, which I’ve also made.
[meeting a friend’s new baby]
cool so do you have any non human pets?
Went to the doctor the other day, he told me I had to stop lap-dancing. I asked him why and he said, “Because I’m trying to examine you.”
Why don’t you sing about it?
– Walt Disney as a therapist
Blew my nose…….lost 2 pounds of mucous and got an ab workout.
Store clerk: May I help you?
Me: I hope so. Sweetie go get your math homework, this nice woman is going to help us.
*purposely chooses network with most dropped calls*
Me: We have communication issues, trust issues and she’s passive aggressive
*Therapist slowly turns to the other chair and looks at the GPS*
Don’t go around saying you hate all people. Attractive people who have a lot of money are really lovable.
Me: hear me out— a food truck that sells crab related products called “Crab and Go”
Gordon Ramsey: why are you in my bathtub
Don’t get too excited when someone says “and Bob’s your uncle”. It’s just a figure of speech
Kids today are so coddled- Elf on the Shelf, Toy Story. In my day, if dolls magically came to life, they murdered you and everyone you loved
My black cat just ate my four leaf clover. That can’t be good…….
THERAPIST: You need to find yourself
WALDO: ah crap
[man who won the lottery]: here’s why i think buying lottery tickets is the future of finance 👇🧵
in a world where big data threatens to commodify our lives,. telling online surveys that i “Dont know” what pringles are constitutes Heroism
If I don’t stick to my diet, people are going to start calling me the last chairbender.
Me: Don’t worry, I have cold hard cash to pay for this.
*pulls coin bucket out of freezer
We are the people our parents warned us about.
I just have to continue with these drinking jokes. I think they’re hilarious.😂
me before I type out affect or effect