Finally got this fire hydrant open, but there was like, the opposite of fire inside
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who called it a chinese finger trap and not a digit fidget widget?
Carl: So hot today.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: During WW II, Americans tried to train bats to drop bombs.
Me: Fair enough.
looking at weird sushi roll names and uh
I hung a picture of my paycheck on my front door to keep all the solicitors away.
Why does the crematorium sound so delicious?
[at party]
friend: is dave coming?
me: cool dave or dave who likes watering holes & has amnesia?
Dave: well, well, well..who do we have here
I think we should hear other voices.
Was told I can’t use Wi-Fi at McDonald’s unless I eat. So I am bringing a peanut butter sandwich.
Y’know who else threw the bubble-wrap away without popping all the bubbles?
Hitler
If a tree falls in the woods it should break into a light jog so it looks like it did it on purpose.
ME: I’m so happy, I could treat a horse!
WIFE: *sighs* That’s not a saying
[spoon-feeding ice cream to horse] Don’t listen to her Mr Butters
*reading law book* oh no I think I’m in a common law marriage with Taco Bell
I hope the bomber suspect is made of green screen so we can all project our most feared skin color onto him.
It should cost $87 to leave someone a voicemail.
ME: I don’t know if I’m ready for this…emotionally.
CHIPOTLE EMPLOYEE: You have to order something or get out of the line.
A nasal spray that’s filled with glitter, so when you sneeze it’s like a confetti popper.
When I die, before my will is read, I want my entire Google search history revealed and whoever is left in the room gets it all.
me: “youre serving Blue Curacao? so its a boy! congrats man!”
friend: “for the third time, this is not a gender reveal party and please stop drinking the Windex. i think it is causing permanent damage”
me: “so, have you picked any names yet?”
trump: ban muslims
jeb bush: i disagree. just like dad would. who used to be president
ben carson: how did spongebob make fire underwater
[At vet]
Me: My dog has been throwing up what looks like egg shells.
Vet: What have you been feeding him?
Me: Egg shells.
[my kid while eating a hard boiled egg]
mommy, what flavor is the yellow part?
I wish they had an app that allows you to delete your number from other ppl’s phones.
Day 137 of telling myself I’ll start working out as soon as my [body part] stops hurting
I’am drinking with my new GF and her gay friend from work. So there’s 100% chance I’am getting laid and a 50% chance I’ll like it.
A group of crows is called a murder.
A group of people walking slowly in front of me at a store, is called motive.
#notsorry
*brings coconut cake to a knife fight
I flunked out of flight attendant school.
I was told to disarm the doors, so I said they looked fabulous and were clearly going places.
My kids are arguing over who gets to bring the garbage cans in, proving, once again, that kids will fight about anything.
Wife: he has no sense of adventure. he even refuses to ride a roller coaster
Therapist: go on
Me: oh so you’re taking her side now