God: [creating Guy Feiri, but runs out of human heads] “A pineapple it is then.”
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You don’t have to buy high thread count sheets. Just buy cheap sheets and use them for 20 years. Like butter, I tell you.
I was just doing a show, and I thanked the audience for coming out during the Game Of Thrones premiere, and one guy went: “Oh no! Oh shit!”
If you have a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle: Take two, and KEEP AWAY FROM CHILDREN.
Are you on a Wanted Poster, because you are sketchy as hell…
WHAT DO WE WANT?
A REALLY FAST CAR TO DRIVE PAST!
WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
NNNEYOWWWWWwwwww…
Guy: I hate my spouse.
Friend: You gotta end it.
Guy: I also hate myself.
Friend: You gotta en… learn to love yourself!
I will give Canada this. Their geese are hard to keep in a headlock.
Dear God I need smarter followers.
God: Me too.
rip st. patrick, you would have loved green day.
[dinner date]
Him: I think a woman should eat like a bird.
Me: {devours a porterhouse like a pteradactyl}
[About to invent coffee]
Guy: I’m gonna squeeze that bean so hard
Friend: You okay Greg?
If you lift up the handle on the car door at the same time I’m trying to unlock it more than two times, I’m driving off without you.
sorry I can’t come to work today, my dog finally caught a bird this morning and I’m going to need the next 2-6 weeks to emotionally recover
Men don’t even appreciate a good bra & panty set. “TAkE tHeSe OfF” did you even look at it 🥺😒
There are two sides to every story and I’m usually wrong in both.
Hangovers only happen to people who stop drinking.
blood cell 1: want to tie the clot?
blood cell 2: of course baby
blood cell 3: coagulations guys!
I WILL HUNT YOU DOWN AND FIND YOU and cuddle you softly.
Am getting real tired of your crap…
I’ve reached that age where I don’t have to drink to forget because it just happens naturally now.
16 yo me: *about to take math final* You got this.
26 yo me: *about to run a marathon* You got this.
36 yo me: *about to start a movie after 8pm* You got this.
Showering at a woman’s house is like being at an open bar for conditioners.
Squid Game is so captivating because it’s about man’s greatest fear: being told to find a partner to team up with for a project
*trying to awkwardly start a conversation with my barber* I ALSO like scissors.
Boss: Why weren’t you at work last week?
Me: Why are you living in the past?
If you look in your bathroom mirror & say “Donald Trump” 3 times, the hair in your shower drain rises up & starts yelling racist slurs.
My ice maker broke and now I have to make ice, in trays.
I’ll be on Pinterest looking for a recipe.
Dads out on the dance floor just respecting the heck out of the fine craftsmanship of the wood and stain.
I’m full of shit, opinions and liquor. If that’s not a recipe for a twitter addiction, I don’t know what is.
Me: Table for four, please. And can we get some crayons?
Her: Will there be children dining today?
Me: No. The crayons are for me.