Cop: know why I pulled you over?
“Hopefully to arrest me.”
Cop: [sees backseat full of screaming kids] sir, please step out of the vehicle.
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I’ve been told I can be a bit condescending. That means I talk down to people.
ME [excited about how much sodium is in my club soda]: 0mg!
Me: *violently swinging a stick* these piñatas are getting harder to hit
Zip line park owner: Hello 911? He’s back again
Pro tip: Doing the worm into your bosses office makes him forget what he wanted to yell at you about
Yoplait
I plait
We all plait for foreplait.
Cashier: That’ll be $29.95 sweetheart
Me: Here you are, pumpkin face
Cashier:
Me: oh, I’m sorry, were we not giving eachother cute nicknames?
Does your wife know that you are in a relationship with your car?
The year 2035.
Razors now have 47 blades.
Deodorants offer 186 hour protection.
Tins of corned beef still have to be opened with that stupid little metal key.
“Cantaloupe? Or WON’Taloupe?” *SPLAT* Next week on MELON JUSTICE!
There’s an old man sittin’ next to me
Makin’ love to his napkin and knife
And he’s talkin’ with Davy who’s covered in gravy
And probably will be for lifeSo anyway that’s why you failed your health inspection. You can read the rest in the report.
The proper way to make a Caesar salad is to repeatedly stab it with dozens of other people in a Senate building.
It’s ok. I killed the oregano flake on the counter.
Whoever is responsible for “tear here” that doesn’t work, I will find you.
her: there’s a spider in the bath
me: ok, I’ll get him a little towel
If Spiderman really did whatever a spider can, he’d scare the shit out of women and get his ass kicked with a flip-flop.
CNN: Trump removes screaming baby from rally
Fox News: Trump rally interrupted by another unruly, entitled protestor who still lives at home
[being seated for blind date]
her: have you ever been on one of these before
me: yeah I love chairs
“Je t’aime” = “I love you”
“Je t’anime” = “I love anime”
What idiot called it “leaving right after sex” and not “nuts and bolts”?
You can walk a mile in sweat pants and have no problem. As soon as you have bags of groceries in each hand they’re around your ankles.
I tuxedo what I tuxewant.
“this corrupt city needs a hard rain. a hard penetrating rain for a dirty city. a thrusting rain. god so deep” – from my novel Sex Rain
How can we make people tell the truth?
“Lets make them put one hand on a book & the other on their chest. That’ll scare the shit out of em”
Just Googled my symptoms. Turns out I’m alive
Cutting toxic people out of my life. No more “friends” covered in hydrofluoric acid who think it’s “cool” to eat lead
her: the manager of the McDonalds down the street called today…
him: [sitting on couch next to Ronald McDonald statue] Did he sound mad?
[Youth Pastor voice] You know who else got a surprise visit from the authorities?
How many mystery writers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Two – one to screw it most of the way and the other to give it a surprise twist at the end.
For all we know, half the birds are telling the other birds to shut up.