[Interview with a Vampire]
Interviewer: hah, your resume says ‘bleedership skills’, what a funny typo!
Vampire: *nervously tapping fingers, not making eye contact*
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The most inquisitive of all the dinosaurs was the philosoraptor.
me: hey dad will you pass the turkey
dad: *pats belly* I sure hope so son
Her: She’s a ten but she-
Me: Hold up. Are you talking about yourself?
[starbucks]
One tall iced latte please
“Ok, can I have a name?”
Well ok but it really should come from your parents
[first day as a drug dealer]
Buyer: got any Morphine?
Me: I’m gonna be honest with you [searching through fannypack] I don’t know what Feen is.
Take that, diet!
And that!
And that!-Me eating Oreos
Feeling extremely smug after being the best at pulling over to let an ambulance pass
cops: we’re gonna test your blood for drugs
me: lol why? my blood didn’t do any drugs, i did
In Twilight, if Jacob just got some therapy maybe he could be a Self-Awarewolf
I can be back in bed in about 16 hours.
~me, every time my alarm goes off
If you want to add more flavor to your toddler’s food just put it on your plate and it becomes instantly irresistible to them follow for more parenting tips
You have a really old bottle of hair care product in your shower. You have a pre-existing conditioner.
June 1885 – The Statue Of Liberty arrives in the U.S. in 350 pieces with no instructions.
Future IKEA magnate: “That gives me an idea.”
*walks in at 3am*
Wife: OMG, what happened?
Me: I was attacked.[front door 5hrs later]
Neighbor: What happened to our inflatable Santa?
I grew up in the 70s. If there was a bowl of fruit on the kitchen table it was made out of plastic and lead paint
Me: don’t be hitting!
Her, 5: I didn’t hit him!
Him, 9: you threw a block at me!
Her, 5: yeah, but I missed!
I couldn’t find a bowl so Flora is drinking from a margarita glass
HER: Wow you look great.
ME: Thanks. I use both my eyes.
Even autocorrect has no idea where I’m going with this.
[Tattoo Parlor]
Me: Hi, I’d like to get a tattoo on my calf.
Calf: *nervous mooing*
(God creating coyotes)
God: Make them look like dogs.
Angel: Exactly like dogs?
God: But with a meth problem.
Parents don’t have “favorites.” We dislike all of our children equally.
Time machine jokes are offensive to me. A time machine killed my great-great-grandson.
If mice just casually sauntered from room to room cats would probably leave them alone.
“so what did you do before self-driving cars?”
“we just drove ’em ourselves!”
“wow, no one died that way?”
“oh no, millions of people died”
I dropped a pill and while I was on the floor looking for it, I found a different, better, pill. So, that was cool.
Alexa give me one million dollars I know you have it
What do ppl who say “please excuse the mess” when their house is like a museum, want from us?
me: it’s weird how you follow me to the bathroom
dog: it’s weird how you follow *me* to the bathroom
I was gonna do a tweet about Albert Einstein’s IQ but I couldn’t get it under 140.